I look at the clock .. it's 5:30am .. I get dressed .I put my stuff in my bag .I put on my Hoodie. I throw the bag over my shoulder I pick up my purse and walk threw the living room I see jay still sleeping in the chair his phone has been ringing for half and hour . It's still ringing when I shut the door. I get in my car , I turn on GPS and drive .. straight through 4 hours . When I arrive at my front door Tammie is opening it .. she says McKenna is here .. I walk in and pick up my child ..I hug her and say mommy missed u so much .. she's happy . Very happy to see me . I'm still numb . Tammie says here and hands me coffee. I drink some . And I walk to my chair and sit down with my baby . This is my baby.. I wasn't meant to have the other one .. it's gone .. McKenna Says mommy mommy I look down at her and she's got her monkey from the zoo.. she say eeeee. Eeeeee . Like a monkey .. I smile.. she makes the monkey kiss my cheek like I do to her .. I laugh. . But it's not real.. I think McKenna knows .. she's looking at me odd. She knows I killed her sibling .
Two hours later Jason is here .. Tammie says I'll be back .. she leaves .. Jason says hey why did u leave ? Melanie the doc said u needed to wait . I said I needed to be home to heal . Jason looks at me like dam it what's wrong with you. He hates me too. I've killed his child .. and I hate him . I want to leave again. I wanna move far away from the hate and the eyes who see me as a monster ..I'm her . Jason takes Kenna and puts her in her high chair and feeds her fruit and veggies for lunch .. Jason says can I make u some lunch .. I shake my head no . Why can't he Just leave .. leave me alone .. I'm done. He sets a bottle of water next to me. . He walks back to the kitchen and makes him self a sandwich. . I sit staring in to space .. the TV is on ..but I don't see it really .. I'm lost .. can't be found . Two weeks has pass and I'm pose to go see the doc today ..but I'm not. I'm sitting in this chair . Where I sit every day . I feed McKenna I bath her I change her like a robot . I'm a robot mom .. jason still lives here and sleeps on the couch every night .. I sleep in my chair . And McKenna sleeps in the crib I drug down the hall all myself the first night I'd come home ..I needed her crib next to my chair . Jason is at work today ..but he's sent zares over to convince me to go see the doc . I'm not . I tell her I'm fine and she can leave .. as she's headed out the door I see Matt stop her he's talking to her .. then he walks in the house and shuts the door . He walks over to me and puts his hand out .. I look up at him... he says come on .. I say what with this look of confusion. . He says it's time we are going to the doc today .. no ..i say .. he says get up now. His voice is mean .. I look up .. and look away again. He says Melanie I love you girl don't make me prove it . I put my head down. No one loves me .. he lifts me over his shoulder and carried me to the door .. he says zare.. she runs up on the porch ..he carried me to my bedroom shuts the door locks it. Carried me to my shower and was straight in. Turns on the water it's freezing cold . I grab him tight. He let's me slither down his body ..we are soaking wet .. in ice cold water . I try to get away but hey really I had no chance ..Matt has arms the size of shac.. he holds me to his chest holding my arms down by my side. He's got a grip on me I scream let go it's cold .. he says no . I scream Matt !! Matt !! He's not moved ..this water feels like it's running over ice .. it's so cold. .. I scream I'm cold I'm cold Matt .. he says me too .. but we will stand here till u come back to me !! I scream let go ..let go !! I start crying hard Matt she's gone !! Matt I'll never hold her ever please please make it go way . Please I say in a much lower tone . I'm running out of steam in this fight. I've struggled I've screamed for 30 mins. It feels like .. I've tried with all my might to get free . Matt strong very strong . He never ever budged . When I'm sobbing and have laid my head on his chest . He sits down in the freezing water and and pulls me in his lap. I tell him I saw Jason holding that woman in his arms I heard the vacuum when they took my baby . I'm all talked out I've gotten it all out .. I'm calm in marts arms ..he turns the shower knob..to warm water .but doesn't get up . He held me in that shower floor for a while .. he said I love you baby .. I'm sry I had to do this ..but I felt we were losing u . McKenna and I can not lose you ! Tammie cannot function. . I think about this. I've been Mia ..ive been so out ..i have to get back.. Matt is right ..and he's right here .. holding me. Fixing me .. wow . Who knew Matt would do this ..
