Hours later when we are both exhausted Jay pulls me in front of him puts his lips to the back of my neck and starts rattling ... his arm around me so tight. I can't move. I lay there and cry for hours. I'm confused and hurt .. I love Jay I do. I know this for certain. But he will never stop cheating on me. .. and I can't leave Matt alone. No matter how hard I try . Kenna is getting older now and will see all this. I can't continue to keep going back and forth. I need to stop all of this. How can I do that? What do I need to do ? I think so hard I give myself a headache. I need my med. Or just sleep. Idk.. idk anything. I hate this.
I hear my alarm going off. I try to sit up but Jay's arm is so heavy. He reaches over and turns off the alarm. He's holding me still. He says please stay for a few more minutes.. I lay back down. He makes love to me .. when I'm in the shower I can feel how swollen my eyes are.
I sit down at my vanity Jay walks up behind me puts his hand under my chin .. I see the eye drops in his hand. He puts them in . I close my eyes and lean my head back to his belly he leans down and kisses my forehead he whispers I love you melanie. I say I love you too. We stay like that for a few minutes .. Jay hands me a tissue and I wipe my eyes. But I wanna cry .. like I wanna crawl back in bed and cry all day. I hear Kenna saying mommy. ...
After I drop the girls off at Molly's house. I drive to work. No music today I can't. I have to work. I spent $400 at Walmart.. and $300 on my vacation.. gotta work. Jeff sees me and says wow u had a rough night .. I shake my head yes. It's 8am.. I'm already over this day .. I wanna go home and hold my babies. All three of them.
When I pick the girls up at 1:00 my phone is ringing.. I just got them all in there car seats.. hello ? Jay says hey . I say hey. He says how are you? I just picked the girls up. I'm bout to get some lunch and take it home ... he says. OK.. he sounds sad . Will u call me when u get home. Yeah. What's wrong Jay? Nothing. Just call me when u get home. OK.. I love you. I love you too. What is up with him?
I make three stops on the way home and get us lunch .. when I walk in the house I can feel how exhausted I am . Like wow. I must sleep soon. I put the girls to the table and we start eating .. I call Jay. Hey. Hey baby ...
I'm home.. he says ok. He don't speak for a few minutes.. Jay? Yeah baby I'm here. What's wrong Jay? Do u want me to move out ? He ask ? No.. I say. He says we can't keep this up.. I know I say. If I'm in that house with u I'll want you .. he says .. me too I say. . He says we need to talk .. I'm on my way home now.. it's 3pm.. Jay don't get home till 6pm .. wth? OK. I'll see ya soon. OK.
When the girls are cleaned up I take them outside .. they play on the swing set and sand box.. Jay walks out the door. He sits behind me on the steps and wraps his arms around me .. I lean into him .. he says I love you melanie. I say I love you too.. the girls see daddy and come running. I move so he can hold his babies.. Jay loves the girls they say come play with us daddy. Jay kiss my forehead and walks out to the swing set. I walk in the house. .. I look in the freezer and see if I have anything I can cook for dinner .. no. I didn't make enough. Ugh. I look around my kitchen for an idea. .. hmm mm. I bought so much fruit and veggies I decide I'll just make a salad and fruit salad too. We have this a lot.. but it's easy. I have some grilled chicken I'll put that in the salad .. an hour later I have all that ready.. I walk outside Jay is sitting in the huge sand box with the girls .. I walk over.. Jay looks up at me with his side glare omg my panties just caught fire ... look .. he says play with me mommy. And smirks.. u dick... I think in my head. That was nit lost on me. .. I sit down and pick up the pink shovel I pour sand on Jay's pants. He smiles. The girls do the same thing. He says I'm dirty. I say I bet . He smiles.. the girls say daddy put the sand on mommy. He looks at me and says imma put it on u .. I smile. Always I say. Jay smiles too big ..
After showers and dinner I take the twins to there room and rock them to sleep. I think I fell asleep with them. I wake up to Jay lifting evvy he puts her in her bed he lifts Emmy and puts her in her bed. He never puts them in separate beds. ... he takes my hand I stand up and he carries me to our bed. He lays down but don't touch me .. he says can we talk now ? I'm so tired I say sure.
He says melanie I think we should separate for a while. I look up. He says we just can't keep this up.. I say u want her .. he says no . That's not it .. I just want us to figure out what we really want .. I say ok. I stand and walk to the kitchen I make my self a glass of Pepsi. I sit down at the table thinking about this. I mean we have been so fucking up. And maybe he's right. Maybe we need some time apart.. I'm not sure how we are pose to do this. Wow this is too much. He wants to leave me. Is it for her ? Hmm I just don't know .
I sit there for a few minutes so in my head that I didn't see Jay walk in or sit down at the table. . He's right next to me he says I'm not saying this is for ever .. I look up at him. I'm lost. Jay if u leave me this time we are done for ever. I mean that. I say. .. he says don't say that. We can make it good again. But right now I think we need some time. Please look at me. He says. I look up at him. He looks as lost as I feel . He reached over and takes my hand .. we sit there in pure silence for a while. He looks up at me.. he says baby I love you .. please don't hate me .. I look away. He puts his hand on my belly. He says can we sleep together in our bed tonight one last time . I look up quick. Are u leaving tomorrow..? He shakes his head yes .. I stand take the bottle of ever clear out and pour it straight in my Pepsi cup which was about half empty. It's now full I start drinking .. Jay says baby don't do that. I look at him and drink it. He's looking at me . He says. It don't work I've tried. ..
