Next three days I've been back to work and intern work and I've been busy all day and half the nights and the other half I'm crying my self to sleep. I'm so messed up over Jay . And Matt hasn't text me or called me once . I'm so certain he's going threw a hard time. And well I am too . I got my job back at the bar , cuz I have to do this intern and a 6 mons under another chef before I can be turn loose on my own .. Jeff and I talked for ever yesterday and he wants me to stay at his restaurant. So I'll be working with him for the next 6 mons at least ... I need my bar job to support myself. It's pretty good money. I'm only working 3 nights a week tho . I've decided I had to make time for me and my sissy . And well Tam . I'm going to see grandpa and zare today !!it's been way to long !! Zare is about to pop out baby number 3 her daughter and I have to see her now ! I miss my other family zare text me and says she will meet me at grandpa's .. OK .. when I'm completely ready shower clothes make up and hair. I pick up my purse and keys and walk down the hall , Jay says hey I look up and there he is again . He says can I talk to u he ask? Umm yeah. I say he puts his hand out toward my bedroom. I stop in my tracks .. I can't be in that room with him .. I look down immediately. He says what? I say nothing. I'm finding my strength these days. I have to do this just to see ... I turn and walk back to my room he walks in my room and he sits down on the bed. This is sorta familiar. He says ur going to see grandpa today right. .. yes. I say. He says I need to tell you , Melanie he's not doing so good. He's sick and he's not gonna get better . He has a few mons left .. the pain is unbearable. I sit there crying hard . Jay says I didn't want u to walk in and see that with out knowing .I'm crying so hard .. why ? I just don't get why things have to keep happening .. I can't catch a break .. Jay says can I hold you ? I look up at him completely broken and say that will make this life of mine way harder Jay. I'm sry. I can't start that process over .. I stand and throw my purse over my shoulder and walk out while driving my car to grandpa's house I turn the radio on and decide to handle this my way .. later I'm sitting next to grandpa's bed holding his hand I talk to him a lot I tell him every single word that has pass threw my mind in the past 12 weeks .. I tell him I love Jay more then I could ever express to anyone. I pour my heart out to him and I cry pretty much the whole time .. I've let my every thought go . When I'm done he says ur a beautiful person Mel , and he's gonna see that. You'll be happy soon . U hang in there . He hugs me tight. And I leave ... I drive straight to the park . I need to spin these horrible thoughts out of my head. I'm feeling lighter tho. That's the grandpa effect . . When I arrive at the park I see molly holding her daughter in her lap on the swing I smile so big my face hurt . I walk up and say wow she's getting so big. Molly leaps up and hug me so tight. She says ur back. I take Lynnlee she's so big now. Molly says how are u. ? I say I'm holding together. She says yes you have had some very hard times girl. Wow. Ur so strong! I laugh not really .. I say. .. we talk for a while and I tell her about Italy. . Lynlee is getting fussy she's gotta go .. we say good bye and I'm here alone .. I walk over to the merry-go-round and sit . I think about all the times I've had here with Tammie and Jay. The memories flood my head . And look over at the school . Wow it hasn't been that long sense I went to that school yet it seems so long ago.. my emotions are really getting me today. Let's count them. Jay ,Matt ,sissy, Tammie , grandpa seeing zare and the boys. .. Jay ! He's not acted like he even misses me ! When I've seen him he acts like he's fine . He looks fine !!! And I keep feeling like I'm drowning .. I'm not sure how much more can be added to my plate . The dam thing can only hold so much .. I run around the merry-go-round and jump on. I lay down and watch the clouds spin .
