Kammie and I smoke a cig.knowing it will be 12 hours with out one . We look around its so beautiful here I blow a wish up in the air for Matt that he's OK .and he finds real love and happiness. Kammie says ur so sappy. We laugh .and walk on the plane .. I'm crying hard as I pull the blanket up to my face . As we are told we can now get off this plane .. I catch my breath as I know I'm about to see my baby !! I pick up my bags and feel the urge to run. I'm home !!! And I feel a rush of happy . Kammie and are walking out the doors and I see Tammie holding sissy she sat her down and sissy ran to me . I've never held this child so tight in my life I cry so hard I can't see . I have to sit down with her I Need to see her face. Kiss her face. I feel this so much in my heart I think it might explode. I tell her I'll never leave again . She says I missed u mimi .. OK my heart just exploded .. this is just too much. I stand with this baby wrapped around my neck and walk to Tammie I hug her so tight. I've missed you so much she's crying as hard as I am . We just stand there holding each other and sissy between us. . When we finally part I look up at Rick . He says welcome home sweetie and I hug Rick I whisper how is he? I cry hard. ..he says it ok.. and we walk to the car . I stay in sissy face the whole car ride home. Tammie is next to me. She says Mel .she has missed you. I cry hard .. when we get to the house my whole family is there I walk in the door and see every member of my family .i cry hard .. I see my mom and I run to her I hug her so tight !! I've missed my momma . This is love . After I've hugged every one and they have all Said welcome home .. I actually look round the room for Jay .. he's not here and the pain is back .. Jay has been here for over two yrs. And I've always looked up and seen his face when I felt like this ..not this time .hours later when everyone has left ,except Tammie and sissy. The three of us sit at the table for another two hours talking an laughing I love these two so much I haven't set sissy down once .. not once . This child will never know how much I missed her .but I'm gonna make it up to her. Watch me .. sissy has finally fell asleep in my lap and it's gonna kill me but I'm gonna lay her down on the couch , I have something I have to do .. Tammie will you stay here with her I ask .Tammie knows what I'm about to do . She says yes . I smile. I pick up my purse and the tears pour down my face I walk that hall way ,the one I've walked for 4 yrs. Of my life . I never knew it would mean this much to me . I have flashes of every moment that's happen in this hall and most of them are of Jay . When I get to my bedroom door I can't really see . The amount of emotion is tuff. I open my door and wow . It looks exactly the same .it smells the same. Like hair spray and perfume . It's spotless!!! I love Tammie .. I shut the door behind me and walk straight to the closet all my clothes are clean and my closet is perfectly spotless organized .my way ..and Tammie has her clothes in here too , it's like the last 8 weeks didn't happen . It's vanished . This is my reality it always has been. But I notice there isn't one thing of Jays in this closet or this room. And I fall apart .. I sit on my vanity and think of him. Will I see him soon. Will he not wanna talk to me. If he does talk to me will I be OK .. I think of every time I've set In this room and cried over Jay or just cried ... this room has seen me cry way to many times ...
