Jennifer Jareau Imagines

PTSD ⚠️

⚠️ MEMORIES OF RAPE AND PANIC ATTACK ⚠️

It was coming up on the 2 year anniversary of when I was raped and it was getting really hard on me. Every sound, every place, every smell was bringing back the memories of it and it just wasn't something I could deal with right now especially with all the hard cases that were being thrown at me. I was walking around the police department, gathering files to try to distract myself but it was all interrupted when I felt a hand on my shoulder. "JJ you scared me." I breathed out, relieved to see my wife's face.

"Sorry honey, we're getting ready to go to the suspects childhood home, are you going to come?"

"Oh I um...I don't know...am I supposed to?" I looked everywhere but her eyes as my chest started to tighten.

"You don't have to." She put her hand on my shoulder. "What's wrong?" I shrugged her hand off and took a deep breath.

"Nothing." I bit my lip and tried to take steady breaths when it got harder to breathe. My hands started shaking so I put my hands behind my back so she wouldn't see.

"Hey, y/n. Talk to me."

"I can't...not right now." I looked towards an unoccupied room and I she nodded, walking with me into the room and locking the door.

I struggled to breathe and held my hands tightly, trying to get them to stop trembling. "Breathe baby, it's ok." She put her hand on my back and I walked away from her, lacing my hands together and putting them on the back of my head.

"Don't touch me." My voice shook as tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. It's ok." I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block the tears from falling. "Can you try to breathe with me?" I shook my head and slid down against the wall, covering my ears. I looked towards her and saw the desperate look in her eyes, wanting to help me but not knowing what to do. I put my head in between my legs and tried to take deep breaths. "I'm here when you're ready." I heard her say.

"Thank you." I choked out between uneven breaths.

"Of course." After a couple minutes I heard a knock on the door and JJ went up to it. "We're not going...she's ok...I'll stay with her. Thanks Morgan." I heard her side of the conversation and when she closed the door I looked back up at her, gaining a control of my breathing. "Hey." JJ whispered softly, smiling and sitting down in front of me. "You feeling alright?" I shook my head and hugged my knees. "Do you wanna talk about it?" I shrugged and looked away from her. "What do you need from me?"

"I don't know Jayje, I'm usually by myself when this happens."

"Does this happen a lot?"

"A lot recently. Like the past week." I saw her heart sink in her eyes as she realized what it was about.

"I'm here if you wanna talk about it."

"I've already talked to you about it."

"I know but...it's been a while and it's not going to get better if you keep it all inside." I sniffed and wiped away a tear. I let my legs fall and adjusted so I was sitting crisscross applesauce. She held her hands out and I started playing with her fingers. "Do you know what specifically triggered it right now?"

"It's just...tomorrow it's going to be 2 years." I fiddled with her wedding ring and then moved on to her other fingers. "I was just thinking about it."

"It's ok honey." She whispered, staring at me lovingly as I looked at our hands and played with her fingers.

"Time goes on, you know?" My voice cracked as I fought back tears again. "No one really cares about what you've gone through or how much you're struggling, they just expect you to move forward."