Jennifer Jareau Imagines

It's Not Your Fault

I stared at the latest victims husband and daughter through the windows in the conference room. "It's not your fault." JJ whispered, stepping beside me and putting her hand on my back.

"If I was just here 2 minutes earlier I could've saved he and he would still have a wife and her daughter would still have a mom." I turned to her with tears in my eyes and I saw a sympathetic look in hers.

"What can I do?" She rubbed my back.

"Can we go back to the hotel?" I whispered.

"Yeah. Yeah of course honey, let's go." She guided me to the car and I bit my thumbnail while looking out the window. JJ put her hand on my thigh and caressed it comfortingly. "It's not your fault." She told me again.

"Stop."

"Stop what?" She asked as she drove and kept her hand on my thigh.

"Stop saying it's not my fault when we both know that it is?"

"How is it your fault?"

"I could've gotten there in time but I didn't ok? I was the closest one and I got the tip and I said I would make it but I didn't."

"You couldn't have made it in time honey. You got the tip 45 seconds before she was killed and it would've taken you at least a minute to get there even if you were going double the speed limit. Don't blame yourself." I shut my eyes as a tear slipped out. "Honey?" When I didn't answer she squeezed my thigh. "Sweetheart are you ok?"

"How far are we from the hotel?"

"Two minutes." I felt her eyes flick over to me for a second before she turned back to the road. "I love you."

"I love you too." I whispered back while fighting back tears.

"I'm here for you, ok?" The car came to a stop as she parked. "Baby...can you look at me?" I turned to look at her with watery eyes. "I'm here for you." She repeated.

"I know." I got out of the car and started walking into the hotel with JJ. She put her arm around my waist and I put my head on her shoulder.

Once we got to the room I frowned and a tear fell down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away before JJ saw, and she didn't but she pulled me into a tight hug and kissed my cheek. "It's not your fault." She whispered.

"But-"

"It's not your fault baby."

"Jayje-"

"It's. Not. Your. Fault." Her voice was stern this time. "There was no way you ever could've gotten there in time. It wasn't possible. It's not your fault." I nodded and relaxed into her arms. I jumped up and wrapped my legs around her waist. "Oh honey." Her voice was sympathetic as she rubbed my back. I clung onto her tightly and buried my face into her neck, wanting to be as close to her as possible because she was the only person who was able to calm me down and her hugs were the best.

"Jayje?"

"What is it baby?" She asked softly.

"I really love you."

"I love you too. So much." She kissed my cheek again and then placed me down onto the bed. "I love you." She whispered again before lying down on the bed and opening her arms, welcoming me as I lied down on top of her. Every inch of our skin was touching and she held me tightly against her, knowing I needed her. She scratched my head and my back to give me more comfort and I hummed against her neck.

"Jay."

"Hm?" A tear slid down my cheek onto her neck. She wiped it off and kissed my temple, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. "Honey?" I let out a sob and clutched her shirt. She rubbed my back and held my head against her neck. "You can cry honey, it's ok." I nodded and continued sobbing before wrapping my arms around her.

A few minutes later I stopped sobbing and I was just letting out soft whimpers. "You ok?" I shook my head. "What do you need from me?"

"I don't know JJ. I just feel so...bad. I know that's not descriptive but I feel so guilty about it. Every time I think about it my chest gets tight and I want to run away and never talk to anyone again. I'm an FBI Agent and I still can't save anyone so I don't even see the point of it anymore. I just don't."

"Y/n."

"Don't try to tell me it's going to get better JJ because it's not. Do you know how many times I've been so close to saving someone?" I pulled away from her and wiped the tears from my eyes. "I don't want to go again, I don't think I can go back to work." I shook my head and put my hand over my chest.

"It's ok baby, it's ok." I shook my head. "Yes it is, it's ok, you're ok. You're ok honey." I shook my head again and got off of her, rushing to the bathroom. She followed me in and rushed to my side as I started throwing up into the toilet because of how mentally shitty I felt.

"I wanna die." I mumbled against the toilet seat.

"Don't say that." She whispered.

"But I want to."

"Baby."

"I don't get it anymore."

"Get what honey?" She rubbed my back and snaked her arm around my waist.

"The point of it. This is everything I've worked towards, everything I've wanted to do and...this is how I feel."

"It's going to get better." I shook my head.

"It's not JJ, it's not." I scooted back and leaned against the cabinets. "If it was going to get better it would've already."

"How long have you been feeling this way?" I pulled my knees up to my chest and hid my face. "Look at me?" She whispered, sitting next to me so our sides were pressed together. I turned my head with tears running down my face and she wiped my tears away gently before kissing my temple.

"Seven months."

"Seven?" I nodded and hid my face again. "You could've told me." She whispered. "You can tell me anything." I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think you would care." I felt her body tense up and I could tell my words were like a knife to her heart.

"Honey. I care. I'm always going to care. You're my number one priority, always."

"Can you-" I cut myself off.

"Can I what?"

"Can you hold me?" She moved so that I could bury my head in her shoulder and then held me as close to her as possible.

"I love you honey. And you can always talk to me. I care about you." I nodded and reached for her hand.

"I love you too Jayje. Thank you."