Jennifer Jareau Imagines

I Want You ⚠️

⚠️ SUICIDAL IDEATION ⚠️

I sat down on the foot of the bed as JJ got ready for her monthly night out with Reid. I played with my fingers and took a deep breath. "You ok?" She asked as she put her hair up into a ponytail.

"Yeah."

"Are you gonna order some pizza?"

"Probably."

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah." I smiled and she furrowed her brows.

"Honey." She sat down on the foot of the bed next to me.

"The shirt of yours I stole and keep hidden is in my suitcase in the back of the closet." I told her.

"What?"

"I'm just telling you where it is."

"Why?"

"And I want you to have my jersey."

"Your jersey signed by Alex Morgan?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I want you to know these things."

"I'm staying with you tonight." She said, pulling her phone out of her pocket and texted Spence before putting her phone on the bed. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Baby-"

"I just...I want you to know these things."

"Why?" I shrugged and looked down at my hands. "Honey, you know that I'm always here for you, right?"

"I know."

"And that you can talk to me about anything."

"I know."

"You can keep my shirt. I don't want the jersey. I want you. Not your things."

"Jayje..."

"What's going on sweetheart?" I shook my head as tears came to my eyes. "It's ok, it's ok." She put her hand on the side of my face and caressed it.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I don't wanna make you sad."

"You're not making me sad baby." She stared at my face lovingly but I could tell that she was trying not to cry.

"Then...then why are you trying not to cry?"

"Because I think there's a reason why you were telling me those things. And I think that there's something really important that you're not telling me." She tucked my hair behind my ear. "I really don't think you should be alone."

"You don't trust me to be alone?"

"Not right now." She whispered. I just nodded and looked down. "Rosalyn." I looked back up at her. "I know the signs."

"Oh."

"And I love you, more than anything in this world. I don't want to lose you. I...I can't lose you honey. I won't." She traced the features of my face. My lip trembled and I dropped my head, staring at my lap. "You have me. You always have me. You have me until the end of the world." She kissed the top of my head.

"I'm sorry." I said again.

"I'm always here honey, I'm always here for you." I put my arms around her and held her tightly. "Baby, I'm always here." She repeated. "You can talk to me. You can always talk to me. I love you so much." Her voice wavered and my heart broke. "Please...I don't want to lose you." I clutched the back of her shirt.

"I don't want to hate myself every second of everyday." I whispered. "I want to not think over everything I said ten times and regret everything I never said even more." My breath hitched. "I don't want to hurt other people by telling them how I feel and make them think they have to bend over backwards to make me feel better. But I don't want to sit silently and not ask for help while I'm...I'm dying." I obviously wasn't actually dying, but she knew what I meant. She always did. "No one knows what to say when someone says that they're suicidal. Because sorry doesn't make sense, and there has to be so many things that feel wrong for someone to not want to live anymore, so there's not one thing that can be said to make it all better."

"You're right. I don't know what to say. There isn't anything I could say to make it all go away, no matter how much I wish there was. But I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much, and I can't do this without you. I need you. I know that's selfish to say right now, but I can't live without you honey. I know that you've been through a lot of unfair shit. I know that honey I know." I laughed through my tears. "But I want to hear all of it. I want to be a shoulder to lean on. I want to do that, I don't have to honey, I want to do that." I sniffled and pulled away from her, tears falling down my face. "Oh, my beautiful girl." She wiped all of my tears away and kissed my forehead.

"I love you." I whispered.

"I love you too...do you need anything right now?"

"Heartbeat."

"You wanna listen to my heartbeat?" I nodded and she lied down on the bed. I placed my head on her chest and draped my arm over her stomach. She put one arm around my shoulders and another around my waist. "If you need anything, I'm right here."

"Thank you."

"I love you."

"I love you too."