Jennifer Jareau Imagines

Pale ⚠️

⚠️ EATING DISORDER ⚠️

"Hey." JJ huffed tiredly as she walked into our house. I sat on the couch, watching tv with a blank face. She sat down next to me and kissed my cheek. "Y/n?"

"Hm?" I turned towards her with a soft hum.

"Are you ok? You look really pale."

"I threw up a few minutes ago."

"Oh honey...why?" She put her hand to my forehead and frowned. "You're purging again aren't you?"

"I'm eating though."

"It doesn't count if you throw all of it up. I need you to eat honey."

"You don't need to worry about it, I'm fine."

"This is your fourth relapse in 2 months honey, you're not fine, you need help."

"I'm fine Jayje, I promise, I got it under control."

"Stop telling me you're fine when you clearly aren't baby." She tucked my hair behind my ear. I was about to say something but I held my breath. "What is it?"

"It's uh...it's never been this bad."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. No I really don't want to."

"You can't keep shutting people out honey. You can't keep shutting me out." She specified.

"I'm not shutting anyone out."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not!" I flexed my hands. "How can I even shut people out if nobody cares?"

"Honey." Her voice became a lot more sad. "I care." I started chewing on my thumbnail. "I care." She repeated.

"You don't have to keep saying that."

"But I do care about you." I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath.

"Can we go to bed?"

"You need to talk about it-"

"I don't need to do anything."

"Honey-"

"Stop calling me that right now. I know you're frustrated and I know you want to scream at me and tell me I should be doing better. I know you're mad that I'm not better-"

"I'm not mad at you honey, if you're going to listen to anything I have to say tonight, listen to this. Im not mad. I care about you. I want you to be happy."

"Now can we go to bed?" She nodded and I got up, walking to bed. I flopped down, staring at the wall. She lied down beside me and put her hand over my waist, pulling me into her.

"You're going to have to talk to someone eventually, it doesn't have to be me." She whispered. A tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped it away. Her face was buried in my back and I let out a sigh, putting my hand over the one on my stomach. I think she was already asleep because she didn't say anything.

"I think I'm uh...I don't know." I whispered as I sat across from JJ on our couch. After a week she had finally gotten me to open up to her. "I don't think I'm ever going to be happy." I shrugged and blinked back tears, wrapping my arms around myself in a hug. "And...I'm really scared you're going to leave me because of this...and I don't want you to regret me."

"I'm never going to leave you honey. And I'm never going to regret you. Never." She tucked my hair behind my ear.

"I've lost myself completely. I don't remember who I am." My lips trembled as I tried not to cry.

"It's ok. Hey, it's ok. Come here." She opened her arms and I fell against her, sobbing into her shoulder. "It's ok. Shh, I got you. Don't worry, I got you honey, you're ok." I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and gripped the back of her shirt.

I pulled away from her after about 20 minutes and gave her a small smile. "There it is." She said, caressing my cheek and smiling. "I love it when you smile." She kissed my forehead. "And I love you. Don't say it back honey. Just know that I do love you. I care about you, and I'm here for you."

"Thank you."

"It's what I'm here for."