Jennifer Jareau Imagines

You're Smoking ⚠️

⚠️ SELF HARM AND ABUSE ⚠️

I took a long drag of my cigarette while sitting on JJ's and I's windowsill in our bedroom. The window was wide open and it was pitch black outside. I hadn't smoked in seven years but sometimes things happen. I was waiting for JJ to get back from her case which was supposed to be tonight. Once I saw her car pull in I waited for her to come upstairs to the bedroom.

"How was the case?" I asked her as she dropped her bags on the floor.

"You're smoking." I sighed as she sat down next to me. "Can you put it out?" I put it out on my wrist and put it on the windowsill. "Why did you do that?" She said, grabbing my wrist.

"I don't know." I shrugged. She took her hands off of my wrist and looked down at the cuts I had made over the week she had been gone. "Can we go to bed?" I looked down and swung my feet.

"No." I huffed and reached for another cigarette. "Honey, no." She took the cigarette away from me. "Why are you smoking?" I shrugged. "What happened? Why did you cut yourself."

"That's a lot of questions." I whispered, pulling my legs up to my knees and crossing my ankles.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I huffed and got off the window sill, grabbing a hair the and putting my hair up in a messy bun.

"What happened while I was gone?" She grabbed me by my wrist and I flinched.

"Ow!" I grabbed my wrist and looked at the cuts and burns.

"I'm so sorry." She looked speechless.

"It's fine." I flopped down on the bed and curled up into a ball, turning away from her. She lied down next to me and draped her arm over my waist. I sighed and fell asleep within a couple minutes.

I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. I reached for the razor and started to cut. I must've been so caught up in it that I didn't realize that JJ had walked in. "Darling stop doing that." She took the razor away from me and hugged me from behind. I ran my wrist under cold water while she stayed attached to me. Once I cleaned it up and leaned on the counter with my hands while my head hung between my arms. "Honey can you look at me?" I turned around in her arms as tears stung in my eyes. "What's going on?" Her voice was so soft and caring as she held my face in her hands. The love in her voice sent me over the edge and let out a sob. She pulled my face into her chest and rubbed my back.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happening. I haven't felt like this in forever and I don't know what to do." I clutched her shirt in the front and she kissed the top of my head.

"It's ok." She whispered. "It's ok." Her voice was soothing and comforted me within a few minutes. "What happened?" When I didn't answer she started rubbing my back again. "You don't have to tell me, but I want to help you effectively and I can't do that if you don't talk to me."

"My mom called."

"Oh honey. You do realize that nothing she tells you is true, right?" She stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head.

"She told me she wished she'd never given birth to me. That she hated me the minute she found out she was pregnant. She knew I'd be a disappointment since before I was born but she wanted someone to take her anger out on. And that I deserved everything she did to me."

"You didn't deserve any of that. You know that right?" When I didn't answer she picked me up and I put my legs around her waist She sat me down on the bed and sat next to me. "Do you really believe everything she says to you?"

"Yeah." I whispered, wiping a tear away.

"Why honey?"

"Because she's my mom."

"Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she doesn't lie." She put her hand on my thigh and I flinched.

"Sorry."

"Did she hurt you?" When I tensed up she took in a shaky breath. "She came here didn't she?" I nodded and reached for her hand, shutting my eyes. "Did she hurt you?" She repeated.

"No."

"Are you being honest with me?"

"Yes. She didn't hurt me."

"What did she-"

"I don't wanna talk about it." I said quickly. "I already told you what she said and that's enough for now I don't want to talk about it anymore." She nodded and we curled up on the bed together.

"What she said isn't true."

"Mhm." She sighed and kissed my cheek.

"I love you so much y/n. You're my favorite person in this entire world. You're the reason I'm excited to wake up everyday, I love waking up next to you. I love holding you and talking to you. You're the most beautiful person in the world, ok? You deserve everything good in life. I really want you to be happy. I know that might not seem realistic right now, but you really deserve it." I relaxed into her at her words.

"Thank you. I uh...I really needed to hear that." I mumbled.

"I know, get some sleep, ok?"

"Ok. You too."

"I love you."

"I love you more."