Jennifer Jareau Imagines

Panic Disorder ⚠️

⚠️ PANIC ATTACK AND ABUSE ⚠️

My head was rested on JJ's lap as she spread her legs from the couch to the coffee table with her laptop in front of my head, doing some work she had to catch up on. She would take little pauses to play with my hair. I stared blankly ahead with my heart heavy. "Can you take a break for a minute?" I asked quietly.

"Sure honey." She shut her laptop and put her hand on my shoulder, rubbing it slowly. When I didn't speak anymore she got a bit worried. "You ok babe?" I shrugged. "Come on, talk to me." She patted my shoulder and I sat up, cuddling into her side, fiddling with her sleeve.

"My chest is tight." I said after I took a deep breath. "And it's getting worse every second." She laced our fingers together. "It's...it's getting hard to breathe."

"Ok, it's ok, just breathe baby."

"It's hard." I squeezed her hand for some sort of comfort.

"It's ok, I'm here. Whatever's stressing you out, I'm here to protect you from it, ok?"

"I'm not stressed out about anything, I don't know what's happening." I gasped.

"It's ok." She kissed my temple and caressed my hand, knowing that always helped calm me down. "It's ok baby, you're ok." Her voice was soothing and calm.

"I...JJ I need a hug." She immediately moved to put her arms around me, putting her hand on the back of my head and kissing my temple, rocking me back and forth.

"I'm right here my love. I got you. Shh, I got you baby."

"This keeps happening." I said between breaths.

"This has happened before recently?" I nodded and she rubbed my back, my breathing was starting to get steadier and I squeezed her tighter. "How many times?"

"Like at least once a day."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry."

"No, no, don't apologize, it's alright." She started to pull away but I held her there.

"Don't let go."

"Ok, I won't." She kissed my cheek and stroked my hair. "How long has this been happening?"

"Like three weeks."

"Honey...honey why didn't you talk to someone?"

"I didn't think it was a big deal but now I get so scared for it to happen again and I don't know what to do."

"If it's been happening so frequently for this long...and you can't find a reason for it, then honey...I think you have a panic disorder."

"No."

"Well...is there a reason for it?"

"No. No. Trust me, I've tried to think of anything that would make me this fucking anxious and miserable and nothing comes up."

"Have you lied about anything you told me?"

"No. Why would I do that?"

"I'm just asking, because from what you told me...I think you do have a panic disorder."

"What the fuck even is that? You can't diagnose me with anything, you're not a doctor." I pulled away from the hug.

"That's why you should probably go see a doctor to find out what's wrong." I shook my head. "Honey-"

"It's can't be that bad."

"But this isn't healthy-"

"This is why I didn't tell you." A hurt look flashed across her face but I didn't care at the moment. I got up and walked to our bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

She let me be alone for ten minutes before she walked in, sitting on the bed beside me. "Go away."

"I'm not going to do that." I huffed and stood up, only for JJ to grab my wrist tightly and pull me back down onto the bed.

"Don't touch me like that." I pulled my wrist away and clenched my jaw. She knew now.

"Honey?"

"Just go away."

"If something happened...why didn't you tell me?"

"Nothing happened."

"I know you're lying. You don't have to lie to me."

"I'm not lying."

"You said the panic attacks were for no reason. That was a lie."

"You have no way of proving that."

"Y/n I swear to God if you don't lose your fucking attitude you're sleeping on the couch tonight." I clenched my jaw and tensed my muscles. "See. That's how I know." She said, referencing my reactions.

"That's not fair. That's not fucking fair."

"Well, that's the world honey."

"You think I don't know that?" I turned to face her. "That's literally my life motto. That's how I don't feel sorry for myself every goddamn day. Now I told you to leave. Please leave."

"I'm not leaving you."

"Why?"

"Because you shouldn't be alone. You don't have to be alone." I clenched my jaw.

"Ok. Stay."

"Thank you." She lied down next to me and I rested my forehead on her shoulder.

"Sorry."

"For what?"

"Being a bitch."

"Which time?" I lifted my head up and gave her a playful glare. "I know you love me. No look will fool me."

"You're right about that." I sighed and cuddled up to her. "I just...I don't want to have something wrong with me. I don't want to go see a therapist or a psychiatrist, I'll get better I promise."

"Hey. I won't force you to go. But whatever you need, I'm here."

"Thank you. That's all I need right now."

"I'm happy to be of service."