Jennifer Jareau Imagines

It's A Heavy Topic ⚠️

⚠️ SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDER ⚠️

JJ found out, and now every time she looked at me she just looked so sad. I knew I was her girlfriend and I should be talking to her about how I'm feeling but it was hard, and I didn't want to be a burden. I knocked on her office door before opening it. She immediately smiled when she saw me. "Hey baby."

"Hi." I blushed at the nickname and leaned against the door with my back, keeping my arms behind me.

"You ok?" She asked, still smiling, trying to hide that she was worried

"Yeah...I was just wondering if I could sleep over at your place tonight."

"Of course honey. You're always welcome. But I thought Wednesday's were our movie and pizza days, no sleepover."

"Yeah, I know just...I wanna talk."

"Are you sure everything's ok?" I hesitated.

"I'll talk to you about it." I assured her. "Tonight."

"Do you still want movies and pizza?"

"I don't know yet Jayje, I'm sorry."

"It's ok." I nodded and looked down at the ground. "Is there anything else you wanna tell me?"

"No." I shook my head and turned around, opening the door.

"Ok, bye honey, I love you."

"I love you too." I shut the door and waited impatiently to get off work.

I arrived at her apartment at around 9pm. I usually showed up earlier but I needed more time to plan out what I was gonna say and we decided no movie or pizza. I opened her door with my key and saw her on the couch on her phone. "Hi!" She sprung up and greeted me with a tight hug.

"Hi." I rested my chin on her shoulder and relaxed into her arms. We walked over to the couch and turned to face each other.

"So...you wanted to talk about something?"

"Yeah, I uh...about my..." I trailed off. Fuck. I did not anticipate being this damn nervous. I tugged on my sleeves and she understood. "Because I know that you want me to know I can talk to you, and I want to talk to you, I really do. But I think in order for you to understand I need to talk about why I did it, which means talking a lot more about my past experiences." She nodded and leaned against the back cushion, her head resting on her fist.

"Ok." She smiled and nodded, looking at me with kind eyes.

"Are you sure, because it's a heavy topic and I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I've got all night honey, start whenever you're ready." I grabbed her free hand and she smiled softly at the gesture. She caressed my hand and waited for me to start.

"So, my whole life, I've always been super self conscious, and I've always worried about what people think of me. I wanted to be perceived as someone who could be well liked and have a lot of friends so I made friends with people I really shouldn't have associates myself with." She frowned. "Not druggies, the popular bitchy girls." She smiled and laughed softly, still caressing my hand. "And it's not like there were certain rules that you had to follow to be in the group, but there were certain unsaid rules that you had to follow in order for them to like you. And a lot of those rules caused unhealthy habits." My voice was starting to waver.

"It's ok if you need to take a break." I shook my head

"No, it's ok. But uh...I started to not eat so I could be as skinny as them, and I got better but I relapsed again, and again." She squeezed my hand to let me know I had her support. "So...two months ago, after I hadn't relapsed in about five years, I felt myself start to again. But I didn't really want to go through that, so I tried to find another alternative that provided the same feeling of control, so that's why I did it." She nodded and leaned forward, pulling me into a hug.

"I'm really glad you told me baby." I pulled away from the hug and she tucked my hair behind my ear. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?" I shook my head and she put her hand on my thigh, rubbing it comfortingly. "Well, I want you to know that you can always talk to me about anything."

"Thank you." I smiled weakly and she pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"Is there anything you need?"

"Just being with you is more than enough." She smiled and pulled me into another hug, falling down against the couch so I was lying on top of her.

"I love you so much honey. I'm so sorry all of that happened to you, nobody deserves that." She kissed my forehead and stroked my hair.

"Jayje?"

"What is it baby?"

"Can we sleep here? I'm comfortable and I feel safe like this."

"Of course honey. Do you need a blanket?"

"No, you're warm enough." She kissed my forehead again and sighed happily.

"Goodnight honey, I love you."

"I love you too Jayje. Goodnight."