Jennifer Jareau Imagines

I Feel So Alone

"Jayje?" I walked into her home office and sat on her couch.

"What is it honey?" She was typing an email and I huffed, acting dramatic so she would look at me. "Is everything ok?" She asked, never asking her eyes off of her screen.

"I'm lonely." She turned towards me with a small frown.

"Why?"

"I miss you." I pouted.

"How can I help?"

"Can you come here?" She nodded and walked over, sitting right down next to me. I rested my head on her shoulder and sighed.

"You don't wanna say anything?"

"I'm not in the mood to." I hugged her arm and laced our fingers together. She kissed the top of my head.

"You need anything?" She caressed my hand with her thumb and rested her head on top of mine.

"No."

"Just this?" I nodded and she squeezed my hand.

I didn't say anything for a good 15 minutes. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about anything."

"Do you ever get the feeling that nothings going to be ok again?"

"I used to. Not anymore. Do you feel like that?"

"Yeah." I whispered. "I've been feeling like that a lot lately."

"Do you know why?"

"No. I just don't know what to do." My voice sounded whiny as I tried to hold back tears. "I feel so alone...all the time."

"Hey, look at me." I looked up at her with tears in my eyes. "You're not alone."

"I know...but I...I feel like no one understands what I'm feeling, so it's hard to talk to people about it."

"Try me."

"I haven't felt happy in two months and thirteen days." Her eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah, I kept count because I didn't want to ever feel like this again, but here I am." Her eyes softened and she looked sad. "When I wake up, I don't look forward to anything. Like...I don't feel anything good." A tear rolled down my face and she wiped it away.

"It's ok."

"I don't want to feel like this Jayje." My lips trembled and she kissed my forehead. "This isn't fair, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it and I know that. I know that because I've worked my ass off my whole life to help people and to help myself, to make the world a better place...I've put everyone ahead of myself. I don't deserve this."

"I know you don't honey. You don't deserve to feel like this." She tucked my hair behind my ear. "You deserve to be happy, and feel like people are there for you, to feel loved and safe."

"I really want that."

"I know honey." She played with my hair and I leaned forward, pressing my head against her chest so I could hear her heartbeat. She cradled my head and held me until I lifted my head up. "Do you need anything? I know I can't say anything that can make you feel too much better, but I want you to know that I'm here for you."

"That's all I need right now." I put one arm around her shoulders and then put one across her torso, tucking it under her arm and hugging her. I nuzzled my head into the crook of her neck and she put her arm around my waist, pulling me onto her lap so my legs were across hers before putting her arms around me.

"It's going to be alright." She assured me, stroking my hair and kissed my temple. "It will be, I promise."

"Thank you." She kissed my temple again and then rested her chin on the top of my head. "Why do you always go out of your way to comfort me?"

"Because I love you." She mumbled against my temple before kissing it again. "I want you to be ok and I want to help in any way I can." She kept her lips pressed against my temple.

"This is helping a lot."

"I'm glad." She kissed my temple again and I let out a content sigh. "Good sigh or bad sigh?"

"In between I guess." She rubbed my back and rested her chin on the top of my head.

"Well, I'm here for anything you need, ok? Just tell me."

"Thank you."

"Anything for you."