Jennifer Jareau Imagines

But What If I Don't ⚠️

⚠️ EATING DISORDER AND SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL IDEATION ⚠️

I rested my head down on my desk and shut my eyes, only to be awoken by a light tap on the shoulder. "No sleeping on the job." It was Derek.

"Shut up." I mumbled and closed my eyes again.

"You good?" He asked me.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You don't look fine."

"Really?" I lifted my head up and glared at him.

"I'm here if you need to talk to someone."

"Thanks. But I don't need to."

"It's gonna get better."

"Sure."

A few days later when we were in Las Vegas for a case I was out with Spence. He bought me some coffee and we were walking around downtown. "So...are you going to tell me what's going on with you?" He said, stopping us on the sidewalk.

"Nothing's going on."

"You're a really bad liar." I stayed silent. "Whatever it is you're going through, you can talk to me about it."

"I don't need to talk Spence."

"It gets better, it just takes time."

"Yeah."

"It does."

"Whatever."

A week later I was filing paperwork with Emily and she grabbed my arm. I jumped and pulled my arm back. "What was that for?"

"What was on your arm?"

"Nothing."

"Y/n."

"Just stop-"

"Does JJ know?"

"No, she doesn't, ok? And don't tell her I don't want her to worry."

"Of course she's going to worry y/n! You're her wife and you're hurting yourself. Is there anything else you're doing that you shouldn't be?" I stayed silent and stared at the table. "Oh y/n. You're not eating are you?"

"Don't tell Jayje."

"I have to."

"Don't." My heart started beating quickly and I looked up at her as she stood up.

"You're really in pain aren't you?" She sat back down. I kept my eyes trained on her, silently pleading that she didn't tell JJ. "Anything you're going through, you can talk to me." I shook my head and she tilted hers. "It gets better."

"I'm going home."

Once I got home I shrugged off my jacket and sat down on the foot of the bed, resting my head in my hands. "Honey?" I heard JJ's voice and I sighed. She opened the door and the look on her face told me that Emily had told her everything. She sat down next to me and put her hand on my knee.

"What?"

"What's happening honey?"

"Don't. I don't want to talk about this."

"Y/n-"

"No." I brushed her hand off of my knee. She sighed and leaned back.

"Ok. Fine. If you don't want to talk that's ok but I want to say a few things."

"Ok."

"Whatever's going on, it's going to get better-"

"No. Just stop saying that. Everyone is saying that."

"But it will." I shook my head. She leaned forward again and tucked my hair behind my ear, kissing my cheek. "Please talk to me."

"Everyone's saying that it's going to get better, that I'm going to grow out of it. And yeah, life might get better but what if I don't?"

"Honey-"

"I might have everything that I've ever wanted and I'm still not going to be happy." I stood up and turned away from her, wiping the tears off of my face. "I don't wanna feel like this." She grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. "Just go away." I lightly hit her on the shoulder so she would back away.

"Honey, I'm not leaving." I tangled my hands in my hair and slid down the wall. She knelt down in front of me and I started to hit my head. "Don't do that." She grabbed my wrists but I took them back harshly, continuing to hit my head. "Stop. If you're going to hit someone hit me."

"Just go away. Go away."

"No, I'm not doing that."

"Do you ever listen to me?" I looked up at her, tears streaming down my face. "You don't even care."

"Yes I do-"

"I want to die."

"Don't say that."

"But I'm not lying. I want to die." She reached out to touch my face and I moved away. "I hate myself so much." My voice was breaking as I held back tears. "And nothing helps." I saw her staring down at my arms and I sighed, resting my head on the wall and staring at the ceiling.

"W-why would you do that to yourself?" She touched the cuts delicately and then traced the lines of my palm. "Em told me you did it but I didn't really think...oh my God." She covered her mouth as she lifted my sleeve up, they were all the way up to my elbow.

"There's more." I looked back down at her. I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled down my pants, showing her all the deep cuts and scars on the inside of my thighs and my stomach. That meant she also saw how thin I had become. When all she did was stare at them I stood up and walked over to my nightstand, taking out a cigarette.

"That's not good for you." She walked over to me and smacked it out of my hand. "Just talk to me."

"Thanks for wanting to help. But you can't." I turned to her and bit my lip, biting back a frown.

"If you let me be here for you, I can help." I shook my head. "I'm sorry I haven't been here for you but I didn't know what was happening if you had communicated to me that you were suicidal and starving yourself and hurting yourself then I could've been there for you." My gaze dropped. "Just let me help you. Please. I hate to see you like this." She grabbed my hand and brought it to her lips, kissing it. I felt her tears fall down her face and I felt worse, something I didn't even know was possible.

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yeah."

"Can I hug you?" I hesitantly nodded and she put her arms around me, putting her hand on the back of my head and held it against her chest. "You're not alone. And it's going to get better."

"Stop saying that."

"But it's true. It's true. It's going to get better and I'm going to be here with you every step of the way."