Jennifer Jareau Imagines

You Don't Owe Him Anything ⚠️

⚠️ RAPE AND PANIC ATTACK⚠️

JJ and I walked down our sidewalk hand in hand. She brought my hand to her lips and kissed it, pulling me out of my trance. "What are you thinking about?" She asked. I shrugged and almost fell over when she stopped walking. We were in front of our front door. How were we already home? She opened it and let me walk through first. I smiled at her and put my arms around her neck, tilting my head up to kiss her. She smiled into the kiss and rested her hands on my waist.

"I love you." I mumbled once I rested my head against her chest.

"I love you too baby." She put her arms around me and we stood there holding each other for a few minutes. "Come on." She tapped under my thighs and I jumped up, wrapping my
legs around her waist. She walked upstairs to our room and sat down on the foot of our bed. "Do you want to go out to lunch?" I shook my head. "You haven't eaten yet today."

"I know. I'm just not hungry."

"Not even for Jimmy John's?" I shook my head. "Baby what's wrong?"

"I'm just not hungry."

"You're always hungry unless you're sad." She rubbed my back. "You don't have to talk about it...but I'm here if you want to." She rested her chin on my shoulder.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Ok." She nodded.

"But hypothetically, if I needed to talk about something..."

"I'll be here."

Two days later at work I walked into her office and sat down on her couch. "Is everything ok?" She asked me.

"I just needed a break." She walked over and sat down next to me.

"Is everything ok? You've been really down the past couple days." She slid her hand into mine.

"Yeah...I dont know. I've just been stressed and have had really low energy the past couple of days."

"Do you know why?" I shook my head and bit my lip. "Honey I've known you for three years I know when you're lying."

"I just...it's really nothing I'm just getting worked up over nothing."

"Come on babe, it's ok, you can tell me anything."

"I know."

"Then...tell me?"

"My uh...my brother wants me to visit."

"Isn't he in prison for raping you?"

"Yeah." I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and lacing my fingers behind my head, taking a deep breath. "I don't know what to do."

"You don't have to visit him." She put her hand on my back.

"I know but...he's my brother."

"But he also did something unforgivable to you."

"I know...I just I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it if I visit him because all I'm going to be able to see is his face above mine." I shook my head. "I can see it now." My leg started to bounce.

"Honey-"

"I don't know what to do." She put her hand on my knee and I flinched. I tugged at the roots of my hair. "I don't know what to do."

"It's ok. You don't have to know what to do right now." I started hitting my head and she grabbed my wrists gently, pulling them into her lap. "Please don't hurt yourself."

"I'm sorry." She put her arm around my shoulders and kissed the back of my shoulder.

"It's ok. It's ok honey, I'm here." I squeezed her free hand tightly and tried to take deep breaths. "In 2, 3, 4, out 2, 3, 4. You got it baby, you're going so good, ok. Don't be frustrated with yourself, take your time. I'm right here." She rubbed my shoulder and kissed the back of it again.

"Thank you."

"Of course baby." She whispered. I looked down at our hands and laced our fingers together slowly, concentrating on the feeling of our fingers sliding together. Her thumb brushed across my hand and caressed it slowly. I closed my eyes and focused on the feeling. She realized that it was helping and she relaxed a bit, knowing that there was something she was doing that was helping.

A few minutes later I calmed down and rested my head on her shoulder. "I don't know what to do." I said again.

"Do whatever feels right."

"That doesn't help. Because nothing feels right."

"Imagine sitting in front of your brother in prison. How does that make you feel?"

"Really stressed. Angry and conflicted."

"How does the idea of not seeing him ever again make you feel."

"Guilty."

"Which feeling is worse?"

"The seeing him one."

"Then don't see him."

"But-"

"Honey you're always going to go round in circles about it. You don't owe him anything. You hear me? You don't owe him anything."

"He's my brother."

"That doesn't mean anything. Not after what he did." She squeezed my hand and I stayed quiet. "You alright?"

"Mhm."

"We can sit here in silence or talk the whole night, anything you need." She kissed the top of my head.

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"Because I love you more than anything."

"Can we just sit here for a bit?"

"Of course honey." She kissed the top of my head again. "Anything for you."