Jennifer Jareau Imagines

I Don't Want To Be Here ⚠️

⚠️ SUICIDAL IDEATION AND SELF HARM ⚠️

I sat with JJ on the bathroom floor as she stared at my fresh cuts. "I'm sorry Jayje I-"

"Don't apologize."

"But I told you I was getting better and I'm not and I keep doing it." My voice wavered and I bit my lip.

"It's ok. They're cleaned. It's ok to relapse, it's part of the healing process." I shook my head. "What? What is it?" She moved closer to me and caressed my cuts.

"I'm not getting better."

"What do you mean?" She put her arm over my shoulders and kissed my cheek.

"I don't feel better. There's been no progress. I don't even think I'm in the healing process, I think I'm just going to feel like this forever." She shook her head.

"You're not going to feel like this forever."

"If it would've gotten better, it would've by now." I whispered.

"That's not true."

"I have nothing left to give." I pulled my knees up to my chest. "Absolutely nothing. I don't want to feel like this anymore."

"It's going to get better."

"It's not JJ!" I laced my fingers behind my head. "I can't do this anymore."

"Yes you can."

"No I can't."

"You can. I'll be here with you every step of the way."

"I don't want to be here anymore."

"What?"

"I just...I can't do it. If this is it for me it's not going to work out."

"It's not it for you."

"I don't want to be here anymore." I repeated.

"Don't say that." She pulled me closer to here and pulled me over her legs so I could straddle her. "Don't say that."

"It's too much."

"Hey, no. We'll get through this. You're going to be ok." I shook my head and my lip started to tremble. "Honey." I heard her heart break in her voice. She cupped my face in her hands and kissed my forehead. "Honey this isn't going to be forever." She wiped away any tears and kissed my trembling lips. "It's going to be ok."

"No."

"It's going to be ok." She put her arms around me and repeated those words until I stopped crying. "It's going to be ok." She said a final time. "Can you show me that pretty smile of yours?" She asked me when I pulled away. I gave her a small smile but my lips were still trembling. "Babe, I really hate seeing you like this."

"I know." I looked down, avoiding her gaze.

"I'm not mad sweetheart." She tilted my chin up and kissed my forehead a couple times. "I'm not mad." She pulled me closer to her and rubbed my back.

"I just really don't want to feel like this anymore."

"That's ok. I think we should get you back in with your therapist, does that sound good to you?" I shook my head. "Why?"

"I just want to talk to you."

"But I'm not a therapist honey."

"But I'm really comfortable talking to you...and you're sort of trained." Her eyes softened and she smiled softly.

"Ok, we can try that for a bit. But if it's not working, then we need to get you in with your therapist."

"Ok." I nodded in agreement and hugged her again. "Thank you." I said softly.

"What are you thanking me for?"

"For caring about me."

"Honey." She said with a small laugh. "Don't thank me for that, I love you." I smiled and clutched her shirt in my hands, relaxing into her.

A week later she found me in the bathroom again with fresh cuts on my wrists. She didn't say anything to me while cleaning it, just occasionally kissing my temple and my forehead to let me know she wasn't mad or anything. Once she was done she put on bandages and led me to the bed. "Talk to me." She whispered. When I hesitated she sighed. "You know what we agreed on." I pinched the back of my hands and she took them into her own. "Why did you do it this time honey?" I shrugged. "We're going to have to get you into a therapist." I shook my head.

"No, I can talk to you."

"But you aren't." She pulled me closer to her so I was sitting between her legs. "Can you look at me?" I met her eyes hesitantly. "You need to find someone to talk to. That can be me, I'm ok with that, but you have to actually talk to me." I nodded and leaned forward, resting my head on her chest. She rubbed my back and sighed. "So why did you do it this time?"

"It makes me feel like I have some kind of control over what pain I'm feeling."

"What pain are you feeling?"

"I really think things would be better if I died Jayje." I whispered. "I really hate myself. I feel like everyone hates me." She didn't cut me off, just let me talk. "I literally can't find a single thing that I like about myself. "I feel a sinking feeling in my chest all the time and I don't know how to not feel it. I don't need you to say anything I just need you to listen." She nodded and rubbed my back before kissing the top of my head.

"I'm always here if you need to talk, ok?" I nodded and moved my hand under her shirt and caressed her belly. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."