WhiteGXRoblox's Slice of Journal

28th July 2023

What the hell am I suppose to acknowledge here??

My dad I got into a bad argument today, I can't seem to get my head straight.

Let me elaborate the conversation between a bit. We were on the way to have 3 hour drive to the College I planned tomorrow. I got confirmation, documents and time to arrive. I'll have me and dad get there to know more about local apartments to live, the livestyle and most importantly. Studies.

It was a well nice conversation talking about other stuff and making fun of other country and political stuff but mostly giving a valuable lessons. Things start when mentioned something related to me, About why I should start listening to advices before trying to neglect or counter a point with it. Yes, I tried to follow it and not to argue that I'll try to learn from what he told me. But it's get more heated, to the point now he complain that I play video games at home all day, Sleep pretty late and doesn't spend much time to look for good colleges. Because we are now going all long way just to visit college and then go back without doing much or it will feel like a waste of time if come all the way just to do this.

The moment he started complaining me about I didn't use that time to look for colleges, studies and make appointments. I proceed to actually look into into now. And now he just points I only do stuff last minute as I were told. He tells me don't do that, And his reason is save your phone power. It is true that my phone were on low power but It's totally okay since I can use a power bank to charge it when I leave the vehicle. That I didn't say it. "Then what the hell do i do while i wait??" "Talk to me then" he said. Like man the atmosphere is so bad with two of us I don't think it's good time to have a small talk. The rant continues that the only good thing about me is just doing Home chores. I don't want to fight it. I just keep my mouth silent.

Yes, these are valuable lessons. Its true that the time of my age I should be already looking for a job that he said he started work at 20. He asked me "why are you chatting your friends all day?" I said No, "I wasn't" that doesn't sounds honest enough because I am actually writing & record stuff he told me and he doesn't realizes it. He also mentioned like "yes. There are acceptable risks you'll have to take it." "Use that time of yours on something worth speaking" "Listen from others and less speaking" "use that time to speak on something worth better instead"

He tell me that "you only tell me stuff and do what and never record it down" in which I did, But I didn't tell him that. This and that, this and that. I am trying but definitely not enough, My face shows signs of anger but I never let out it myself and I will keep quiet and I will not say a thing about it everything he said is definitely correct I should be doing something right now What am I supposed to do I want to disappear out of thin air and have everyone forget me I probably failed at life anyway just stop just stop

These are my thoughts inside but my face and my actions tries to hide it. And occasionally I tried to smile it out, It kind of cancels out my tears from coming out. If I actually put out a smile outside, Maybe I'll make everyone life happier. Yes, yes.. The world is not revolved around you, you should make yourself useful for the society.

"I am actually trying" Thats a lie, I never actually say words like these out to anybody, because that's a fucking lie nobody will believe you are actually trying you are just trying to defend yourself with these words. The thoughts are words are meant to kept silent.

He also brought up the mistakes I did way before and use it against me. Almost 1 or 0 stuff I hear are good points about me, Am I not doing enough? These thoughts occupies my mind so much. That my dad trying to brighten my mood so much. What you mean you are trying to brighten my mood? You were one criticizing me and making my mood so bad at first place. This is not the time to do small talk and point out unnecessary stuff.

Well right now, Me and my dad are trying to ease the mood back and having normal conversation again. I haven't go to college yet. But every-time this happen just leaves a deeper scar to my depression and my face. My heart just hurts and breaks, All just because maybe I am a weak mental person as I am. I come to realizes my dad are just worried about me, I want to say "Then stop worrying about me small things" but I couldn't. I just don't want to hear these words anymore. It enough to make me break anytime. I want to keep remain as the Quiet guy who mind their own business.

I guess these are the reasons I don't have society experience or friends out there in real life. I don't even know If i can keep up to survive in world like this....

Back from my utter depression. After the appointment of the academy. The gadgets and rooms stuff there are pretty good. Small but the people there are nice and managed most of the stuff for you. Whatever it is, I may go study there in next 2 week. Wish me luck the lifestyle is there is fine.