WhiteGXRoblox's Slice of Journal

18-19th August 2023 - self aware

Emm..... Nothing much.

Tried to do the deed to clean up the house by wiping and sweeping the floor but worried I did it badly, And it's totally unnecessary. Because there would be weekly maid that help clean up the living room for us. Anyway, one of our housemate finished cooking the lunch.

Went to have a conversation with a group of old players at Wangan Midnight Maximium Tune arcade machines in my nearest mall. We have quite deep conversation about a misunderstanding buyer between card seller. I do my best not to interrupt them. I mean I am never in their leagues, I also decided to check in and play a bit of WMMT daily. At the same time, I saw an insane 5 year veteran Taiko No Tatsuijin player making 500 combo on top 10 Extreme difficulty songs. Although he admitted to me that he is rusty but I personally think it's amazing and quite enjoying to watch him drum. On 18th, I stayed up till 7am just to play GTA Online with my housemate then19th I slept until 4pm.

Went out with the girls again just to pick up their stuff through some MRT Stations. How comes the girls have long endurance of stamina after super long walk. Man, I should up my stamina as a man. Perhaps I should start doing 15 pushup everyday? Also, never wear long sleeves at KL. Ever, Because despite how cold the place is. I still sweat badly wearing long sleeves top where wearing a single T-shirt already grant me perfect insulation.

Have a long webcam call with my family, I should do. I always tell me I will be getting used to living like this. Life is not best but not worse either, I still have education & other to worry about and it isn't boring and meaningless living in City as a ex-townie. But yeah, I already talked this through with my dad paying for my suite and education fee. But my best I did is playing partial as much as 2 thousand with my bank account and with the money I earned from YouTube. But he always tell me not to worry money too much that he will help work for it. Oh lord, How can I repay and be responsible for this.... and Maybe he did mean I should use that time and mind to think about focus on education than worry about money and job later..

I felt, concerned. and happy at the same time, I worried stuff happening between my parents. but yeah they are desperate to see me in person. Even readying stuff for me like Air fryer to use with my housemate, But I am the same way as well. I got gifts for my brother ready since the day I start living in the household. Me and my dad even talked about bringing up the office chair I owned back in my hometown to my suite because seriously the chair im sitting on in front of my bedroom desk is low quality and does not feel good after sitting for long time where I willilng to play games on my bed instead. About I'm also happy at same time, I meet alot of new peoples, forgein people to talk to. Buying and seeing new places as my own freedom. Fostering a great relationship with my housemates. Getting new friends, learning and meeting new stuff in classes. 

All these good stuff happening to me, I don't think I really deserve it. That's why I should start giving a hand to those who really needed. Be a nice person as a introvert, so people remember your good deeds and help each other. To be honest, I got to this point I am still living. Back then when I was younger. I have suicide tendencies twice where I almost hurt myself with a kitchen knife, I cried alot. I had depression where I want end everything and make it stop happening it, But I can't let go with those stuff and people around me. 

But I don't deserve to live and have these, then why? These thoughts troubles me more and me actually feel sad for myself. What is it I'm supposed to be special and be unique person? I don't know anymore....

I just realized, this entire wattpad. I don't really write detailed and all the stuff that actually happened. And there's alot of context missing, The entire parts and diary stuff is just words to REMIND myself and the troubled words inside me where I can't say these to nobody.

So I been writing these stuff down here just to ease off my stress and troubled mind because I want someone to hear it out for me but at the same time I can't tell these to anybody. So maybe this is a way to make things ease off my mind.