WhiteGXRoblox's Slice of Journal

Unknown Date, 2019 (Secondary School BS)

Hello, this is edited entries of White from 2023. Yeah, reading back realizes how cringe I become. But it's the essence of been younger aged teenager, But also allow me to not forget past events because of this. Now as an adult, I want to schold the younger version of me so bad and how shameful you became. What comes after this line are still texts from 2019 me. 

I wish I can go back in time and slap 16 years old myself in the face.

There's this person I mentioned In most of my chapters. I refer her as "My crush".
I don't care if I'm simp or not, because It's not like I'm doing anything wrong. If you hate it, just leaves.

- Codename, J.
- Probably 1 year younger than me
- Flat-chested
- Looks smart & beautiful, but not average beautiful.
- Used her short name as one of my story-writting on Wattpad

I have a random dream which involves meeting her buying something at the vending machine while we dressed casually. I don't know where or when is that place. And I am not looking forward to that to happen because I had a few dreams that actually take place and happened. It just I don't remember after waking up but I remember this one so well that It probably won't happen due to the Butterfly effect.

We met each other in 2019. I don't know, the first encounter is 2018?
Is she suicidal?

Back then my personality is a bit different. I was a bit childish, like to talk to girls without second thoughts. I am also aware that she very major family problem. Because I cannot tell is it a family problem neither serious nor not. But all I can do is not trigger her.

One day near the end of the school day, I noticed she have small, red, and obvious cuts on her arm between hand. Is she suicidal? I was very concerned. Then I sat down beside her and talk out with her without triggering her. I can't remember well what we conversated but I do know that I asked why she cuts her hand and feels suicidal. She doesn't want to answer and soon I won't ask it again and carry on with a different topic.

You know that most people who like to draw paintings are also expressed within their emotions (I don't know if this is true...) She's like to draw anime characters. When she start sharing the arts she recently drew. I only see anime characters with nothing but blood. Black lines and red colors. Showing that she is really having suicidal thoughts. I want to comfort her but I was very stupid back then so I don't have any idea for it. Later on we conversate it ends shorter and faster. Then I leave her alone. Well she do look happy on the outside. Except in 2020, She doesn't look happy and cheerful now. We barely have a conversation with each other. She thinks I am a weirdo or a pervert.

Why do I think that she thought I am a pervert as an alternate possible opinion?

And again, I forgot which date was it but later on very end before school of the year...
Because I brought out my phone in classes just to play with my other classmates. Which teacher found out and decided to expose that to my students about I am reading a 16+ Rated Manga/Japanese magazine. Which involves adult jokes & romance topic. It probably misunderstands my crush and other girls about how pervert I am. I tried to claim that I am not a pervert then later don't mind it anymore. What a bad way to end the school of the year. I don't know how much rumors spread, But I don't mind because nothing will change their mind and I'll move on with it.

It's even more embarrassing/weird that we ended up In the same class in 2020 instead of my Ex-crush. My ex-crush is easier to talk with because we share each other a longer and similar past. I am surprised I still can start a short talk with her after some days of school. Before 2020, I even have a long conversation with her mom that what makes me know about her more back in like 2018 or 2019. Hope my Ex-crush doesn't hear about rumors about me being perverted and I didn't even take any action to put an end about my rumors. Damn...

About My Ex-Crush

Codename, X.L
- Shy, Honest
- Usually being mocked/bullied
- Flat-chested
- Heights shorter than me
- Below average but still beautiful
- Cheerful smile when talks to me

Why they're my crush?

I hope Ex-crush and crush understand me, Most of the time I want to help them. But I do not have the will, brave enough, chances, or strong enough to help me without making myself look like a damn fool. I don't wanna let them know I have a crush on them.

Why they're my crush? Because their heart, is kind. It's happy to see them helps other. And I want to help them when they needed to be defended or require help. But I am not looking forward with them to foster relationships because they're probably way out of my league and I am not good enough for them.

I leave my current crush alone (J.) because I suspect she has a crush on one of my known friends/classmates. You know what? I don't stop them If they're being a couple. If she has a crush on others, I let them be since It's her choices. And my goal is not really to get a girlfriend. It's really unnecessary to talk about this but it's part of my life.

Well, from where I stand. I am just someone who is an average gamer who has all bad grad except English, Thanks for reading about me.