WhiteGXRoblox's Slice of Journal

26th August 2020, Wednesday

How's today?
Not feeling well

Today's Events

Guess what, as usual. Woke up, Wish to sleep longer in the bed but I have to go to school anyway. I'm still unsure about future online tuition. Well, I'm paying it myself. My dad willing to pay 50% of it but I often just reject just because I need to lessen the worry they take.

Because it's Wednesday, Students must/need to wear their club uniforms although Club Activity is actually ceased temporarily due to the event of COVID-19. Teacher don't mind too much about it unless it's third week of the month which all student cannot wear club or activity uniforms. My main club is the "Red Crescent Club" which involves saving people and I don't know. It's like Hospital learning with extra of I don't know because I don't care about much of those club activity. Well for today, I am not wearing it because Teacher doesn't care since there's no club activity anyway and students still wears it because It feels better than regular White Uniform with Ties. I don't wanna talk about the misunderstanding of Uniform code so I'll just skip it.

During Chinese lessons in classes, I was supposed to be sitting in front of the teacher which is the first section. But I don't want to because the seat was occupied by my Crush. Not to mention, She finally attend today. So I choose the seat beside her. But my teacher told me to sit at my crush's seat since It's the exact seat which I usually sit during Chinese lessons. Without a second thought, I sat but I aware not to lay down on her backpack or touch her water bottles. Oh, and Crush sits either behind or beside me usually when Chinese lessons. I am just concerned if I disgust her or upset if I just lay my back on her backpack or touched her Water bottles. because most of the students in my class probably (My thought)  think I am a weirdo and probably bad at hygiene. I don't know what my crush thinks of me, But I'll just treat her like everyone else.

During Science lessons in the labs. I'mma just keep this long story short because I just hate writting the details here. Because we all finished exam and the Teacher planned to have our exam tests give a correction to each other and give marks. Of course, We cannot cheat score because Teamwork doesn't exist for our classmates and teacher can check them. Every time I asked meaning of this question/answer "If this is correct or not". She (Teacher) just teases me and show other students how simple is this and would be totally embarrassing If you can't understand simple Malay words. Yes, My Malay sucks so bad even I live in Malaysia. Because in Malaysia, You live there. You must learn their language. I don't care about If I am shameful or embarrassed since I'm used to this. They laugh all they way and not really thoughts much about How dead-end I am or crap to help me out. Should I just be serious and stop asking her or sticking and being funny and satires. That just hurts.

During Recess time, I see my Crush is somewhat alone at this point. She plays with her calculator and not eating anything. I am worried, I really don't wanna talk about or share their family story. Because I am aware she have hard time in her family. She do looks beautiful, smart but I sense a family problem within it. Which probably other boys doesn't know. So I give little more alone time to her. Back then, I offered her cheap bread and she just rejects it. The way I offered her is natural and casual without expressing feelings much. When there's a bunch of girls who have a fun talk and she is just sitting beside and not talking with them. What happened to her?

God... I hate this flashback. I'll leave this special chapter somewhere in this diary.
"Unknown Date, 2019 (My Crush)" is available.

Today, I just feel like I wanna die already. Also reminding myself suicides is a slap to your family so I can't do that. I would rather have someone reason enough to kill me.
I lost my control again, I can't stop having a bunch of dangerous and negative flashbacks. Nobody was there to stop me. Nobody notices I am sobbing in tears and It feels good to fake my smiles. What is this? My vision went so blurry because of tears distorting my sights. This continued for around 10 minutes or longer. Afterward, I just take a huge nap to reset my mind.

When I'm back home, Took a bath. Watched a movie that my dad left unfinished and I decided to finish it myself. That movie is what find me back. To not give up even you gone so bad and wanna die. I also like the movie because of jokes and satires are too realistic for it. I also spent my whole afternoon helping my grandmother trimming leaves and preparing ingredients for my mother's bakery sales. Now,  I'mma live stream some games. Preferably play Grand Theft Auto V after Left 4 Dead 2 game.

I don't even know how my Laptop works because playing "Left For Dead 2" for 30 minutes can let me play GTA V at higher frames rate afterward. Does PC require optimal heat to work properly or effective?