Sander Sides One Shots

Judgment

The sides are in eighth grade.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING BTW

Patton's POV

We were at P.E once again. I just finished running the track because it was a part of our grade to run. Once I finished I walked over to where Roman was sitting, he always got done running first, and Virgil was next to him because he refused to run, after I sat down Logan finished running as well. He sat next to me and we all caught our breath waiting for the other students to get done running.

Once everyone finished running the coaches said we were staying outside again, meaning we had to do something that involves moving. Roman and Virgil ran off to who knows where, Roman was probably going to play football with some of his 'friends' and Virgil was probably going to watch. Logan and I started to walk the track as we had nothing better to do.

He took out his book and started to read while we walked. I put my hands in my pocket and walked silently. Once we had gotten to the end of the track to where we had to loop back around, and pass the teachers in a few yards. I looked at the little conssion stand that was there for games that our school hosted. There was a little room connected to that conssesion stand. It held game equipment, and jump ropes. I always thought about those jump ropes as I walked this track, all the thousands of time I walked this track and thought about the same thing.

I could walk into that conssesion stand room, and no one could see me go in. I could tie a make shift noose, and stand on that chair that the lazy teachers sit on for every game while the students who volunteered to help always stood.
And I could step off, and be found at our next game, but no one care, no one would even notice if I went missing. But I never did it.

~~~~~

People always thought I was as happy as ever. But I had problems. I didn't eat unless my mom forced me and my family to sit at the table and eat dinner together. That was the only time I ate, I didn't eat breakfast and never lunch, I'd starve my self, as I went to bed at night I'd hear my stomach grumble and I would feel satisfied. Knowing that I was losing weight.

I cut too.
But never at home where people were over my shoulders 24/7 But in the middle of classes where no one was paying attention to me, I'd roll up the sleeve of my cardigan, and I'd drag my pencil across my arm in multiple places, the faster and harder I pushed the pencil into my skin, the longer the cut last. Causing my skin to throb but never bleed, the scars would get slightly puffy and leave a texture on my arm that soothed me.

I also had trust issues.
I talked to everyone at school, trying to befriend them, just to get to know them well enough to know if they would end up hurting me or not. To know if they'd make okay friends, most people never seemed to give off the sense that they wouldn't not hurt me, so I left them as good aquaintences and stuck to my three best friends, Roman, Virgil, and mainly Logan.

I was gay.
I told no one but my close friends. My parents didn't know. I was too afraid of what my mom would think of me, and my dad sometimes made stupid jokes about his kids turning out gay because of how 'sensitive' the three of us were. So I had no idea how he felt about gay people.
My older sister knew, she was older by two years, she even told me she was bi, but I still didnt trust her fully, she made me feel so insecure abkut myself that ot would take years to trust her like the way i trust Logan, if I ever cohld trust someone else as much as him.
And I never directly told my brother, he might have heard my sister and I talk about it from time to time, but I was never really sure how he'd react to me. He was a year older than me, but he always got so agitated whenever someone talked about romance and I was a little afraid to tell him, even if he was one of the nicest brothers ever.

I hardly get enough sleep.
Sometimes I'll go to school with only an hour or two of sleep, but I act all happy and over excited and tell people I had a lot of coffee so I would be fine. Some nights, mainly over summers or weekends, I would get into bed around two in the morning, finishing up some writing that I enjoyed doing and listen to songs from musicals. But I would fall asleep much later, all my thoughts scurrying around in my head, in the silence my thoughts were loud and held power over me, as if taunting me over everything that I've done wrong, or things coming up in my life that terrify me to no end, or when I once witnessed my dog and new kitten getting into a fight, because my dog was a stray that we had taken in and we didn't know the way he'd act around a cat. There was so much blood but they both ended up fine, the cat even won, but I was still so shaken up and the memories were inbedded into my head that I think about it every night when I just want to sleep, and I hate it.

I hate all my problems, yet I refused to get help, I refused to listen to my friend that knows about my cutting and eating habits, I refused to listen to Logan because I was afraid of the judgement. If people saw me walking into the guidance counsellors office they would think something was wrong with me.

Every where I go, I feel this awful judgement from everyone, even if no one is paying attention to me. When I walk into our schools hallways and see people laughing I automatically assume that they're laughing at me.

When I have a group project, my teacher always picks the partners, so I normally end up doing all of the work.
Then when it came to present, my team mates would decide to talk while I'm trying to explain what our project was about. So I ended up doing the most talking, feeling everyones beedy eyes on me, watching me, judging me. And then my teammates have the nerve to point out an autocorrect or misspelled word and immediately point fingers at me because the whole class doesn't know I did the majority of the project meaning I did all the mistakes.
Then everyone would start laughing, and I just wanted to run out of the room and cry my little heart out. To have a breakdown, but I knew I couldn't because of the judgement.

But sometimes, I got lucky and could choose my partner, aka, Logan.
Even though he'd still point out my mistakes, it wasn't to intentionally make me feel bad. Logan did it because it was in his nature to correct everything. He was like the proofreader.

Logan is the only one I trust.
The only one I fully believe.
He is my everything,
And I don't know what I'd do without him.

~~~~~

Sorry of I ended it weirdly, I didn't know how else how to.

Sorry for the angst, but I will prewrite the next chapter to post immediately after this to make up for it. Even though you wont technically know that the next one is pre-written, you get the point.

~Have An Amazing Day!!