Razorblade Romance (Ville Valo Fanfic)

187. Kill the Light

Viktor was extremely talkative on the way back home, which was good because I felt so sleepy. He was explaining me all the details about his recovery, I didn't interrupt him. He was driving my car and one of their mafia dudes was following us with his car.

"Thanks for the ride, Viktor. You can park here."

"No problem, miss. I was happy to see you, you're a nice person."

"That is sweet. Thank you for everything. Well, take care, will you?" The street was empty since it was 3 in the morning. I didn't realize it was so late. I checked my cellphone after I saw Viktor entering the other car and leaving. No calls or messages from Ville.

I tried not to make any noise when I got inside. Everything was dark, I put my shoes on the floor and felt relief it was so much warm inside. It was good to be back home.

"Where were you? Or, can I even ask you that?" Ville appeared, not turning on the lights. I did so I could see him better. He looked tired.

"I went to solve some issues."

"You went to see him."

"You mean Matthias? Yeah, I went there." I didn't lie to him. "I had unfinished business with him. I went to ask him about our deal, since I didn't pay it yet." The anger rose again in me.

Ville felt it. He instantly regret the accusative tone, but I was trying to defend myself by attacking. "Eve. I'm sorry. Please, I... I don't know what to do. I don't feel like myself."

"Can I have a shower? I need to rest. We can talk in the morning." I was still mad and didn't want to fight him anymore. I couldn't null my anger as much as I felt so sad. He was clearly confused and I had no idea how to help him.

I took my time in the shower but he was waiting for me when I left. He was sitting on the bed, and when I sat by his side, he grabbed the comb from my hand. "Let me, please."I turned so he could brush my hair, as he did it frequently. He did it slowly, and in a normal situation I would relax. When he finished, he gave it back to me. "Good night." He said and laid down on his side.

"Are the kids fine?"

"Yeah, I just checked on Dylan. New diaper and all."

"Okay." I felt a bit guilty since since I left them.

It was a tense night. It was strange to have my back to him, feel the warmth coming from his body but keeping my distance. I took a long time to sleep and I knew he didn't fall asleep so fast either.

We woke up at the same time, when Dylan woke us. Ville jumped from the bed, going faster than me. I gave myself some minutes in bed, since he was taking care of them. When I finally went downstairs, I heard Ville talking to Charlie in the kitchen, she was ready to go to school. "Good morning sleepyhead." Charlie chuckled.

"Good morning darling." I kissed the top of her head and quickly ran my hand on Dylan's cheek.

"You didn't kiss daddy." Charlie laughed.

"I... I need a coffee." I grabbed a mug without looking at them.

"I'm going to take Charlie to school today." Ville said. I was taking her since she was back to school, I didn't want him to go so we would avoid any hassle from the paparazzi who still lurked.

"Okay." I flatly said and would offer myself but Charlie was so happy about it. I stayed with Dylan while Ville assembled Charlie's stuff to the school. He didn't do it in a while and he seemed truly happy that he was doing it, so I didn't ask him if he needed help. My little girl kissed me in the cheek and left with Ville.

I felt miserable. I just didn't cry because I was with Dylan, I was so sad over everything. We would have to solve this matter. If Ville didn't trust me, we couldn't go on. I wouldn't have to prove him anything, honestly.

As the school was so close, he arrived shortly. He came to us in the living room, and sat in front of me in the coffee table.

"No paparazzi on your back?" I asked him.

"There was a black car in the corner of my eye, but didn't give any attention to them since they didn't bother me." Ville said looking down at his big hands, I knew he wanted to say something important but didn't know how. The anticipation was leaving me anxious, but I waited until he said something. "Can we have a word?"

"Sure."

After some hesitation, he looked at me, finally, with the most guilty expression. "First of all, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Eve. I regret so much what I've said to you."

"You were an asshole to ask me that."

"I know. I truly was." Ville didn't flinch. "And I'm done apologising to you. I quit. I quit being an asshole. Well, I don't think this is possible but I can at least try."

"What do you mean?"

"The only way I can ask for forgiveness... is to take care of myself. Eve, I decided to postpone the tour like you've suggested me. And... I'll go to a rehab."

"A rehab?"

"Not like the ones I went before. I spoke to some people. It's like an intensive therapy, it's just a place for me to rest. You can visit me with the kids. I just... I can't be myself around anyone now. And I feel as long as I feel like this, I will only hurt everyone around me. I know it sounds insane since I stayed away from you all for so long and now I'm asking to stay away again. But it's... I can't really cope with myself." Ville struggled to not break down in front of me. My heart shattered to hear that.

"How does it work? This rehab?"

"I guess I'll stay there detoxing my mind. You can visit every 15 days."

"For how long are you planning to stay in there? Charlie was just so happy you came back and now you're leaving again."

"I know. I know... It's not fair. I'll only go if you agree with it."

I couldn't deny Ville a treatment but I felt sad he was going to be away from us again. Different reasons, but still. Would Charlie understand? At the same time, Ville needed something. If that was the path to heal, then so be it. I would be by myself again.

"I won't ever be in your way, you know that. If you feel like you need it, who am I to say no?"

"It's what the doctor suggested some time ago, but I thought it was insane. Now I don't think it's a bad idea. Maybe it could really help me, I don't know. What I know is that I don't want to wake up screaming during the night ever again, afraid the kids will listen. See you jump in the night, scared. I need to heal, Eve. Maybe that's just one step, but I need to start."

"It's good that you've postponed the tour. You're not ready."

"Seppo will kill me."

"He will understand. As the others will. We tried to tell you but you're so stubborn."

"I was trying my way. Sorry. It's time I stop doing things my way and start listening to others who obviously know better." Ville looked at me with sorrowful eyes. "I can ask for forgiveness a thousand times but I can't just say it. I have to show you I can be better. This is not my best version and I'm tired of it. I just hope it's not too late."

I wanted to cry so bad. As much as I understood Ville's words, I didn't want him away from us like that. Wasn't that too extreme? I worried about Charlie, how would she understand that?

"Please say something." Ville asked me with a trembling voice.

"I can't tell you not to go since you sound so sure about this. I simply hate the idea." I felt my eyes filling with tears, I couldn't see him anymore. "I can't believe you will stay locked up voluntary now. I just can't."

"I tried, Eve. I really did. I might stay there only a month, maybe two weeks, I don't know yet."

"Alright, Ville. Whatever you decide but I hope you're able to explain that to Charlie." I picked Dylan and went to his room. I felt awful but I felt an anger so huge inside my chest I was about to explode.

The worst is that I knew I wasn't angry at Ville for his decision but I was acting as if it was. I was angry at how we ended up in here. How fucked up our lives have become because of people who would still torment me in my dreams daily.

Ville was dealing with his ghosts but so was I. I sometimes struggled to sleep because I was done dreaming about Juha and Mäkinen. There were days I would wake up feeling bad for Juha, how his life was cursed even before he was born. Some days I just wished him the worse even though he was already dead. Most of my time I still thought about everything, trying to fit in pieces of the puzzle, only to remember that was over. My brain didn't understand that, for some reason. It was still everything too vivid in my mind. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings either, just like Ville, but the difference between us is that I didn't throw any shit on him like he did to me. I didn't want to be the comprehensive one anymore.

And all that also made me feel bad.

He came after me when Dylan slept. "In resume, you're against me going, then?"

"You can do whatever you want, Ville."

"No, it's not like that. Eve, please. Don't do this to me."

"Do what?"

"Act like we are nothing." Ville sighed loudly before I saw his chest going up and down heavily. He gave himself a minute and calmed down. I was already picking his medication but he continued. "You're exhausted, I know. I'm tired as well, tired of asking so much from you. I am guilty of being a dick to you, but I'm not guilty for what happened. I just ask you not to make me feel even worse."

He was right. My anger wasn't at him, not completely. When I gave him the medication for his asthma he didn't want it. "You're right, I'm sorry. We need to solve this."

"You're not going to therapy, you're not doing anything to take care of yourself and still, you were picking on me all this time because I wasn't taking care of myself. You're not, either. And I know you're also suffering."

"What do you suggest? We both go to rehab? Leave the kids behind? I can't, Ville. I am fine. Or I was before you've asked if I slept with another man while all I did was to try to find you alive and in one piece."

"Dammit, I am a jerk, I know. I know. I'm really sorry dear." Ville stood in front of me, holding my arms. "Tell me what to do, then."

"I don't know, Ville. I'm really exhausted right now, I can't talk anymore."

Since I didn't give my answer, Ville didn't say anything to Charlie nor anyone. The idea of the tour was still up and that also made me anxious. This nightmare was endless. Ville and I didn't talk about it, we only exchanged a few words. Next morning, I was the one to take Charlie to school since she asked me. I was afraid how she was being affected by two traumatised parents, and exchanged some words with her teacher at school. My heart was calmer when she told me Charlie was a happy child. She didn't deserve any of this. She said she didn't have any erratic behaviour, that she was a quick learner and was a really good student. But she advised me maybe try therapy in the future. We couldn't know how that would affect her some day.

I was walking home when a car approached me slowly. I didn't look, it was a black one, like Ville described me. Just a creepy paparazzi and I wasn't in the mood today.

"Hey, little bird. Do you need a ride?"

When the window opened completely, I froze. It was Sascha, on the passenger seat, while another scary man drove. I continued walking. "I'm fine."

"Come on in. Don't need to get tired, babe." The car continued to follow me.

"Get lost." I turned to him, and saw there were two other men in the back.

"Darling, I need a word with you. Don't leave me hanging , please."

"I have nothing to talk with you."

"But I do. Otherwise, we can try another day, maybe at your place?" I stopped, and looked at that despicable man. He had my attention now, and the rear door opened. "Hop in." I was right, another two men were in the backseat. One massive, bald man left the car and motioned me to enter. I couldn't risk them appearing at home, so I did.
I was between two men, nowhere to run. Sascha looked at me. "Isn't she so cute?"

"What do you want?"

"We will talk, no rush." The car moved again, while a loud music played in the car. It was some noisy Finnish rap.

We drove along the avenue, heading somewhere near the road close to the sea in Munkkiemi Park, near Ville's old tower. It was an empty parking lot. My hands were sweating, I only had my keys and a cellphone. I was so squeezed by the two men who didn't take their eyes off of me, I couldn't even try anything.

When the car stopped, they immediately pulled me out of the car, holding my arm. "Get your hands off me!"

"Hey, no need. Eve is a friend." Sascha told to his guy, who let me go. "We are here to talk."

"What the hell do you want with me?"

"What were you doing two days ago at the club? Business with my cousin, again?"

"It's none of your business."

Sascha smiled. "Aw, you two. Matthias can't fool me. My cousin really likes you, you know?"

"I don't care. Go ask him, I have nothing to do with it. Now, let me go."

"Calm down, relax, little bird. I have a job for you." He was given a folder when asked from one of his men, and extended it to me.

"I'm not looking for a job right now."

"Take it, dear. It's important."

"Is this Matthias' doing?" I felt angry. Maybe this was his price? I felt betrayed. He was, after all, a mafia mogul.

Sascha laughed out loud. "No, not Matthias. My little cousin doesn't know a thing about this. And he won't. We will keep it like that, this will be our secret, okay? How about that? Now, as much as I want to spend time with a sweet girl like you, I am a busy man. So let me cut to the chase. This is a job proposal and you will find everything in this folder. It's an easy job, don't worry. You'll just have to sign some papers in Russia."

"What? Are you insane?"

"Take this." Sascha almost threw the folder on my face.

"I'm not doing anything, I don't care-"

I felt the big hand on my neck, squeezing me. The bald guy looked down at me as if I was nothing. I tried to shove him away, but gladly he let me go when Sascha hit him in the head.

"Don't hurt her! No damaging the goods, asshole." I gasped for air, while the truculent man stepped behind. "Sorry for that, Pavel is too emotional. But you could help, just pick it this damn folder, idiot."

I reluctantly grabbed the folder from his hand. While I still recovered, Sascha continued. "You will find all the documents in there. Like I've said, it's an easy job. You will sign some documents as a forensic doctor in a morgue in Russia. Don't worry about licenses, it's all in there. Nobody will ask you anything, nobody will try to stop you. You will just sign a document, and you're done. Piece of cake."

"What's in this document?"

"It's just a certificate. Just that, darling."

"What if I don't?"

Sascha got closer, as my fists closed. But I couldn't be stupid, they might as well kill me now and throw me at the sea. "It would be a shame. After all, little Charlotte seemed so happy with her mother today."

That was it. He mentioned her and I flew to his neck, but I barely touched his blonde dread. The two men held me back. "Don't fucking threat her!"

"You're not leaving me any choice. Man, it would be awful if one day you wake up without Charlotte and Ville, after everything that happened. Everybody expects a happy ending."

"If you get close to them I'll kill you."

The men laughed at me. I was so angry but felt so useless. "I told you guys she's cute. Ah, now I can see why my little cousin likes you."

"Leave them alone." Sascha smiled at me, but then got closer again. "It's your choice, Eve. Take it or leave it. Let's make a deal, huh? You do this for me and I'll stay away from them."

"Fine, I'll do it."

"She didn't even blink!" They laughed, having fun. Sascha got serious again. "You depart within a month, the info is in the folder. You're a smart girl, you'll figure everything out. We count on you, sister. Ah, don't forget. If you say a single word to Matthias, or to the police, we don't have a deal anymore. Is that clear?" He gave me a light slap of encouragement on the face and went to his car. The men released me, throwing me on the floor and having fun. They also got inside the car and left.

I was in panic.

When I got back home, I tried to hide the folder. Ville was in the living room, but I passed by him and went straight to my office. In there I hid the folder very well. I didn't want to see any of this for now, I knew Ville was waiting for me and I had to come up with an excuse why did I took so long.

I quickly check myself on the mirror to see if I had any marks, but I was fine. I just had the most exasperated look.

I can't live like this.

Ville seemed anxious when I appeared. "Is everything fine?" He came closer and I nodded, not looking at him.

"Yeah. I was talking to one of Charlie's teacher. To see how things were at school, it took me a while."

"Katariina?"

I had no recollection of Charlie teacher's names now. "Yeah. The blonde one."

"Katariina is not blonde." Ville raised his brow.

"Well, the other then."

"Right. Are you really okay?"

"Uh-hum."

"Can I get you anything?" He sat across me, on the other couch. It was weird he was so far away from me. This is not how I envisioned our lives after that nightmare. All I wanted was to stay close to him as much as possible. Change the way we used to deal with our problems. But I didn't include on my list, issues with the mafia.

Seppo was right, so was Perttu. There's no turning back from this kind of people once you do business with them. Even if I didn't have any deal with Sascha, I was on his radar and for some reason he needed me now. And I couldn't deny him a favor. The thought gave me chills and I almost cried.

And Ville knows me too well. He was watching me about to explode and I panicked when he moved closer to me. "Eve, what is it?" He tried to hold my hand and I couldn't take any longer. I covered my face as I burst into tears. I felt his arms around me, as I sobbed violently. The idea of the rehab wasn't so bad now. That way Ville would be more protected, maybe. But what about the kids? How could I protect them? This was impossible. I had to do it, no matter what. But I knew, once I did him a favour, Sascha would only ask for more and this would be endless. Unless...

"I thought better and I think you should go. To rehab, I mean. We are not doing ourselves any good. Maybe we will find some answers."

"I'm not looking for answers. I just need to learn how to deal with my monsters, but I don't have any doubts." Ville sighed. "But you have."

"You better talk to Seppo. You have to solve a lot of issues with him and the guys. Maybe I could spend a while in Sweden with Nick."

Maybe going to another country would help. Does mafia respects any jurisdiction? But I couldn't leave Ville in the rehab, they could try something. I was desperate.

"Okay. We can talk about it later. I guess you're not in the mood right now. I'll talk to Seppo, I'll be in the library."

Ville had the same idea of checking on Dylan first. He picked him and some toys, taking him to the library with him. Once he closed the door behind him, I ran to my office.I picked the folder I hid under some papers and checked the content. It was unreal. I had some documents in Russian with my name and my passport photo. How? Maybe I was naive to be surprised, since I was dealing with this kind of people.

I had what appeared an official document of a Russian morgue. Jesus. I also had some plane tickets, and the trip was in 20 days. I would fly to Moscow, I even had the plane ticket back to Helsinki. I had a hotel reservation, everything was set. I didn't know what to expect, I was ready to break the law but it didn't matter if my family was safe.

The problem was it wouldn't stop here and I knew it. And now I couldn't ask for anyone's help, Matthias' or the police. I couldn't risk anything.

After a while the doorbell rang and Seppo arrived. When I opened for him, he looked mad. "Where is he?"

"In the library."

"What the hell happened, Eve?"

"You better talk to him yourself."

"Are you alright? You look awful."

"Thanks for mentioning. Well, go see him. And Seppo, be patient with him." Seppo sometimes really acted like an angry father at Ville. Not that he didn't deserve, but not right now. Seppo smiled at me.

"Will do, kiddo."

I barely closed the door, my cellphone rang. Unknown number. It was probably Sascha so I went to the kitchen. "Yes?"

"Come here outside."

"Matthias? Outside, where?"

"Your place."

What the hell. I glanced around, Ville was busy with Seppo and I knew they would take a while. I tried my best not to make any noise, and went outside. I looked around the yard, was he on the street?

"Eve." He whispered, hidden behind a bush. Nobody could see us from the street but still, it was bit risky. I couldn't be seeing with him, I had no idea if Sascha was watching me.

"You have to go, now."

"We need to talk."

"What do you want? Ville can't see you."

"What Sascha wanted with you? Don't lie." How did he know? Was he stalking me? I shook my head.

"What are you talking about?"

"I track him. He went to see you at Charlie's school, didn't he?"

Shit. These cousins had to solve their issues without me. "Just leave, please."

"Eve, just tell me. I'll find out one way or another."

"You can't talk to him, please. Matthias, let go."

"Why? Did he threat you?" He spoke louder and I urged him to stay quiet.

"Shush, just go. Please, go. Yes he went there, but he was just being stupid. Nothing happened."

"You're lying."

"He was just messing around."

"He went there yesterday as well, same time. The difference is that today he lingered in there a while. What happened?"

"How do you know where Charlie studies? You don't have to be such a stalker, you know."

"I just did my homework while I was helping you." I felt ungrateful, but I had to get rid of him.

"Matthias, you need to go. Please."

"Just tell me. If he's causing you any trouble I'll fix it."

"Don't bother. Matthias, don't cause a problem where it doesn't exist. Don't go confronting him because of me, he was just being a jerk, because after all he saw at the club that day. He just wanted to know what I was doing in there after you."

"I think there's more to that." Matthias stepped closer. "You can tell me whatever it is, I'll deal with it. Don't be afraid of him."

"Now, that is bold. What are you doing here?"

Just greeeeat. Ville appeared angrily to see Matthias in our yard. He came in full throttle and I had to intervene. "Ville, wait. He is leaving." I tried to hold Ville.

"Yeah, I am leaving, don't bother."

Ville looked down at me. "Is this serious? What the hell is going on?"

"Easy now, boy. Let's get inside." Seppo had the father tone, pulling him away from Matthias, who passed by us, without saying a word. He knew the damage was done, if he understood that Ville now hated him. My brain wasn't working so fast, but I knew I had to come up with an excuse.

And quick, since Ville was enfuriated, looking at me. Before he would say anything, I was faster. "What? Now do you think I would bring my lover here at home?" I passed by them, heading inside. I knew Seppo was calming him down, telling him to relax and be reasonable with me. My problems were just escallating.

"Can't you tell me what was he doing in here? Now you two have secrets? Great." Ville said behind me, when I went to check where Dylan was.

"He came to see how I was, because the other day my husband accused me of horrible things and I was really out of myself."

"How nice of him."

"I don't know why are you angry."

"Eve, for God's sake. Why can't you just tell me what was he doing in here? Do you forget who he is? Seppo, help me out here. Am I being crazy?"

"You're exaggerating." I said. Seppo didn't interfere.

"Right. I am the crazy, jealous husband."

"You love this role sometimes."

"Yeah, let's see. Henrik, Cédric, Benjamin, they all had one thing in common, they all wanted to..." Ville didn't finish when he saw my mad face.

"Seriously? Are you going to bring up things from ten years ago? And Ben? That's a bit petty, Ville."

Seppo came to us, before we killed ourselves in front of Dylan. He would not interfere if it wasn't really bad. I was in a dead end. I had to make a decision, I knew that. "This is going nowhere. I think it's wise you go to rehab and... We need a break." I said with a heavy heart.

"I don't believe in breaks." Ville looked away. "It's just a cute way to end things."

"Calm down you two. Sit down and solve this as adults."

We stayed in silence a while, until Ville left us. Seppo then came to me, with a suspicious look. "What is going on? I know there's something we don't know. Is it trouble with the mafia?"

"No. You just saw what's the problem."

"You don't fool me. Is he threatening you? And you don't want to tell Ville. I can help you, just tell me how."

"Sep. If you want to help, take care of Ville. Help him, because I can't anymore. Protect him." The despair took over me, when I was holding Seppo in complete forlornness.

"Protect him from what?"

"Promise me, Seppo."

"You're truly scaring me." I never heard Seppo being scared of anything. Maybe he saw the despair on my face. "Eve, you shouldn't have messed with this people."

"The problem is not them." Of course I lied. But Seppo was right, this was getting out of hand.

Seppo and Ville kept talking at the studio for the whole morning. He appeared saying he was going to pick Charlie at school. Fearing Sascha could appear, I offered myself. "I'll go." But Ville insisted.

"Go with him." I told Seppo, who was bit confused, but followed him.

How am I supposed to deal with all this? No matter what, I had to protect them. Even if that cost my happiness with Ville. And the children, maybe. Everything would be easier if I disappeared from their lives.

I knew Ville was impatient, and he had a talk with Charlie that I didn't know if I should join or not. He was explaining her he would be away for some time. "But you're going to visit me in there."

"Is it tour already?"

"Not exactly, but maybe it is more or less. This way you won't be needing to drop school."

"I prefer to be with you."

"It's just for some time, okay? I promise you." Charlie didn't like the idea, and hugged Ville as if her life depended on it. So he decided about the rehab. When she got distracted with something else, he came to talk.

He gave me a mug of coffee and sat by my side. "I'll go next week already."

"Okay."

"Like I've said before, you can take the kids there whenever you want, you just have to schedule. The doctor didn't recommend before 15 days, though."

"Why is that?"

"He says I need some time in there by myself."

"Alright."

"Eve. I don't know how this is going to work... and I'm leaving in bad timing. I'm sorry for the scene earlier. I got jealous, yes, of course. But I should understand that Matthias was by your side in difficult moments and you two grew a friendship. It's just... How safe is that? Knowing who he is? And he was here at our place."

"Uninvited. Won't happen again. And I don't have a friendship with him. I won't hang with him in a coffee shop or something. I'm really tired of this, Ville. Ten years ago, when you were jealous, it was different. We were young, insecure, didn't know each other so well. We did stupid things back then, me and you. But after all this time, after everything, we can't continue to behave like that."

"I don't change that easily, I know. Yeah, I was an asshole to mention Benjamin and Henrik. Well, Cédric was stupid anyway." He chuckled lightly, and I couldn't help but smiling at him. "If you're willing to forgive me, all I can do is promise I will try. Being utterly honest, it's because part of me still is afraid you see the real me."

"The real you? What are you talking about?"

Ville chuckled lightly. "It's because I sometimes think, still, how a person like you, chose to stay with a person like me." Ville smiled shyly, a tender one. "Because you're just the most amazing person I've ever met and I'm just a simple, stupid Finn that was lucky to cross your path."

Those emerald eyes smiled at me and my heart was completely broken. I just wanted to jump on his neck, and tell him everything was fine. With Ville, I always felt invincible, like we could do anything, and go against every obstacle. Together, we could beat any adversity.

Not this time.

"Can you forgive me, kulta? For being such a stupid man?"

"You're not stupid. Maybe a bit." He chuckled lightly. "There's nothing to forgive, Ville. We just need to figure some things out. This time for you, it will do you good." I left him before I would give in and hold him tight.

The press was all over us again, after Ville announced the postponing of the tour to leave for rehab. I didn't hear from Matthias anymore, which I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. Didn't see Sascha and his men cornering us either.

Ville was of course nervous and anxious about going. We weren't in completely good terms still, but mostly because I was avoiding him. I knew what I had to do and I was trying to prepare myself for that.

One day left for him to leave. I woke up before him, and watched him as if it was my last chance to do so. I took my time to say goodbye to him in silence. He opened his eyes and smile to see me. "Huomenta."

I knew I had to talk to him while we had a moment for ourselves, meaning before the kids wake up. I sat down in bed, Ville did the same. "Ville, tomorrow will be a tough day I guess, so I wanted to talk to you about it."

"Of course."

"First of all, I'd like to say that is good that you're taking care of yourself. It is. I know my first reaction wasn't nice, but it's important that you get better. And do whatever it takes for that."

"Thank you, dear. It means the world to me."

"You know that, despite any situation, I'll always support you. No matter what. It's just, things are kind of difficult for me as well."

"I know, kulta, I know. Don't think I don't see it. I feel like a huge selfish dick for doing this. I know you also need help even though you don't say it. Instead, I'm leaving you by yourself. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this."

"No, no. You are right to do so. I can't stand to see you having endless nightmares, not being able to sleep. I just wanted to say, before you go..." I still haven't decide what to tell him.

"Yes?"

"That... I will always support your decisions. But right now... I need time for myself. You've said you don't believe in taking in a break, but..."

Ville gulped. "What are you trying to say?"

I tried hard not to cry. I knew I had to do it. "I'm saying that... We should think about our situation. You will have space to think about it."

"I don't have anything to think about. Eve, I'm really sorry for my jealousy. For what I've said to you, it was unfair. I can't imagine how were your days, looking for me. Seppo told me, everything. I don't deserve what you did to find me."

"You do. It's just... I really need a break, Ville. It's the healthiest for us right now."

Ville was sad, defeated. I wouldn't be able to protect them if I stayed close. I still didn't know what to do, but I would find a way. Even if I had to abandon them completely, as long as they were safe, it didn't matter. Maybe it was a desperate measure, I would think about it later.

"I broke the trust we had in each other, and I'm really sorry for that. And it's not the first time." Ville straightened in bed. "I swore to myself if I ever did that again, that I wasn't worth your love. Your time, your attention, your dedication. I know I'm not."

"Ville, I-"

"No, it's not self pity, believe me. This is me being very self conscious, realistic. We all make mistakes, but I have the talent of wrong you and I have to live with the consequences of it." Ville's expression got a bit darker. "On the other hand... Is our love so fragile? Is it, Eve? That won't endure it, after everything that happened? I just want the truth from you. What's really making you give up from us? Because you are."

Of course our love wasn't fragile. Maybe it was when we were younger. I had to live with the regret of living apart from him for so long when we broke up for the first time. That sounded like a silly thing only teenagers would do. But now, it was way different. I couldn't tell Ville the truth, so I had to deceive him. It didn't make sense. "It's just... I'm tired, Ville. There's no dark reason behind it." I didn't look at him questioning eyes. "I don't know what else to tell you. I just ask you for some time."