Razorblade Romance (Ville Valo Fanfic)

107. To Hell and Back

While Charlie was sleeping, I went to the bedroom and changed myself. Ville was probably in his studio. The way he was angry at me, he would probably locked himself down there.

I spent my time in Charlie's room. I was having a huge headache, I was organising her things, there were some of her clothes it didn't fit her anymore. Maybe we should donate it.
I bought a diary where I would write down things about her growth, and I felt sad to see the empty pages. But if I wouldn't have anything to fill for the first two months, maybe Ville would have, so I jumped those pages and wrote the info I knew about her now, her height, her weight, and things I perceived about her personality. She got angry when she was hungry. I guess she was just like me, in this matter.

She woke up and I held her. "Moi, little one. Can you forgive me, that I left you alone with daddy? Mommy is really stubborn, I hope you're not like me. But your daddy is also stubborn, so I guess you have 100% of chance to be just like us. Uncle Seppo would shout perrrrkele." I exaggerated on the "r".

She giggled and I laughed. "Yes, we are a bunch of strong headed people. After all, you're Finnish. Are you hungry?" I sat down to feed her. I saw she was restless and irritated. "What's wrong, Charlie?"

I realized my milk was with a different flow, it was so weak. "I don't know what's happening, I'm sorry, Charlie. Let's try again." I changed sides, but it was the same. She struggled, but the way she was hungry, that didn't seem to be enough for her and she was hurting me a bit, and she was really irritated.

"I'm sorry Charlie, don't cry. I don't know what's happening." I panicked. Maybe it was because I didn't eat proper, I didn't eat anything since I arrived and I missed lunch, but I had to do something. We tried again but she was restless. "Let's keep trying, sweetie." I was telling her that and holding myself, until I gasped in despair, I couldn't let her like that. "I'll prepare your milk. Shh. I'm sorry."

I carried her very carefully, it was difficult with stairs because of my leg. I was slow and she was crying like she would die of hunger. "We're getting there, easy Charlie, help me a bit."

Ville showed up, running from his studio. I felt his eyes on me. "I need to prepare her milk." I said and he picked her up. He hesitated a bit, not knowing if he should help me, but once he held Charlie I moved faster. My leg hurt as I forced it a bit. My mom would always say I was so proud I never asked for help. Sometimes it wasn't a matter of being proud, but this time was.

Ville put her in the crib while he was warming her milk. I caught her again, trying to calm her down.

"What happened?" He asked and then I realized he probably heard everything through the baby monitor.

"It's my milk. It's not enough, I don't know why."

He looked around the kitchen. His hair was in a bun, so he couldn't hide his temper behind his hair. "You didn't eat today, did you?"

"I had breakfast and-"

"It's four o'clock already! You've left after breakfast at nine. How you're supposed to be alright?"

I knew he was right, but all the stress made me lose appetite and now he was screaming at me. I kept cradling Charlie, I turned my back to him, grabbing a glass of water. I probably wasn't hydrating myself properly.  Charlie sometimes cried so loud my ears hurt. At least she had good lungs. "Just wait a bit more, sweetheart." I spoke with Charlie because Ville was hurting me, and I didn't want to cry, I felt so stupid every time I did.

I turned to see if her bottle was ready, I extended my hand to hold it, but instead Ville simply grabbed her from my arms. I didn't oppose nor complained because of her. He was calming her down, finally. First I tried to think he just did that because he was worried about her. She was healthy, but we would always worry if everything we did was enough, the doctors explained me she had a difficult labour, but she didn't have any health issue, apparently.