Razorblade Romance (Ville Valo Fanfic)

142. Amidst All Tears

I still had an unnerving feeling about Eve and I, she was sleeping peacefully, although she was stiffened, having the collar around her neck. One more year behind us, hopefully of many ahead. I wondered if she forgave me completely.

In our first breakfast of the year, she was a bit quiet, maybe still tired. I made her sit still while I prepared the food. "Charlie is still sleeping, just stay put." I kissed the top of her head. She was stubborn, and removed the collar. "I need to take this out for a bit."

It was no use telling her the opposite, so I didn't, I saw she was restless with something. "Here, first pancakes of the year." As I put the plate on the table, a smiled formed on her lips. I sat by her side, my foot found hers under the table, and I put it over, she quickly removed her small foot and stepped into mine, giggling. "Your foot is too big."

"Oh, you know what people say about big feet." I suppressed a laugh while she shrugged, agreeing with me. "How are you feeling today?" I asked her.

"Physically speaking, I feel better. No headache."

"That's good."

I was also worried about her mental state, and how she was feeling about us. "Are we good?" For a second I avoided her sight, but I glanced inside her beautiful and mesmerising eyes.

"I... I wanted to say something." She looked down at her hands, and I felt that old anxiety taking over me, worried about her next words. "I feel bad that I searched through your computer. I wanted you to know that I never did such a thing, I don't do this, and I won't do it again."

"Okay, I know you don't."

"Do you think this change your trust in me?"

I held her hand. "No, kulta. I trust you just the same as before, I won't change my password, you can look at it if you feel like."

"No, I don't want to. Like I said, this is something I don't do. But... I guess when we want to know something that we actually don't want to, there's only one thing that encourages us to do it."

"And what's that?"

"The pain."

Her answer broke my heart. She was right, I knew she wouldn't do this if she wasn't suffering.

"And... how are you feeling about everything?" Maybe I was so anxious for her reply that I made a painful expression, that Eve mimicked. "It was hard, but I thought a lot yesterday, while I stayed here alone. Sometimes we are so stupid, I'm not talking about you and me only, but we, earthlings." She imitated the way I say it sometimes. "We wait for something to happen, something big that pushes us forward, many times it's a tragic, sad situation. I was tremendously reckless driving like that. Again. It could have been worse, I could have... Maybe I wouldn't be here now."

"Don't even say that." The thought made me anxious, I even felt my stomach twisting in response.

"But that was stupid. And... Seeing Marius's pictures of you scared me again, even knowing he's dead, it creeped me out. He followed you around for so long. He could have done you harm way before."

Her eyes were getting teary. Eve was never afraid of him, which irritated me a lot, but I knew she was always afraid he could do something to me. "But he didn't. And we are here safe and sound. Oy kulta, sometimes you're so damn crazy, I don't believe you went to the police station and checked his files."

"Yeah, I know." Eve look at me questioning, and with an ironic smile. "I saw a lot of ex girlfriends there."

"Ex girlfriends? I didn't had much."

"I saw Natalie, of course, and there was this folder of unknown girls. Ruby was there. And some other girls that looked like models, I guess. You have a thing for them."