Razorblade Romance (Ville Valo Fanfic)

13. Dark Light

We sat and said nothing for a while. I notice he was thinking, maybe choosing the best words.

I felt a punch in my stomach. I knew he was going to end everything. I knew it was too good for me. What sounded like a fairy tale, it was just real life. My real life.

"Kulta, I thought about this all day, and I wanted to talk to you about this so you don't read lies. And I want you to know through me."

I just nodded. I was apprehensive and he saw it. He held both my hands and continued, looking down. "I've had a difficult time couple of months ago. Threw some public tantrums, I was on a path of self destruction and I need to say to you that I still am. I am recovering. I may look fine, but there are days that are harder, you know?" He looked at me with a pained expression that I couldn't handle it. I wanted to hold him but I needed to let him vent. "And I can't tell you this is the first time. My life is a pathetic circle of destruction. I know, life is made of ups and downs, but when I'm at the bottom, I am really in hell. And all this media bullshit doesn't help. I've had had relationships that suffered a lot because of speculations and lies. That's why I ask you not to trust in anything they write."

He stopped and looked at me. He smiled weakly. "Everything was clouded in my mind, but then you appeared. I know it's so soon, we've just met and we need to know each other well, there's so much I want to know about you, but I can tell you already, you're a light in my life and you're not a train at the end of the tunnel." He gave me a beautiful, but broken smile, and closed his eyes. "But... I can't do this to you."

My heart sank. I took a deep breath, trying to say something but he continued. "I can't make you suffer, I can't expose you to my crazy life. I need to pull my shit together, need to take care of myself first. I need to put my head in place. And I can't ask you to wait for me. Last night... was intense. I didn't feel such emotions on stage in many... years, maybe. Just because I was afraid of your reaction. I was extremely anxious to know if you enjoyed, and I let my music speak for my heart. Things I was afraid to think about. But when I was there singing, it all made sense. And then I couldn't find you anywhere, I thought you had escape." He laughed. "Later Seppo told me he found you out in the cold. May I ask you what happened?"

He was being so sincere about his feelings, I didn't want to hide anything from him as well. But the instinct of self preservation kicked in.

"I had a small anxiety attack, I think. Never happened before, I couldn't breath, I needed air. Then I just ran outside, I didn't even think about what I was doing."

"I know how it feels. But were you able to identify what triggered it?

I knew, but I lied. "No. I don't know why it happened, like I said, never happened before, maybe I need to see a shrink."

He looked down at his hands. "If you don't want to tell me, I understand. But what I'm saying is that everything is so confusing... We will leave for a small tour next week, here in Europe, and I'll come back to Helsinki for a concert on New Year's Eve. My life is crazy, I'm barely home and that sucks a lot. I'm not physically available and I know how hard it is."

I was getting angry. I had a right to voice my opinion and decide for myself. I wasn't looking at him, but I could notice by his hands he was nervous. He didn't stop spinning his rings.

"So, what are you trying to say is... That we shouldn't see each other anymore?" I tried to sound resolute, but there was a crack in my voice.

He got up. He started to walk vaguely and covered his face with his hand. I couldn't look at him anymore. I wanted to run and hide, be nowhere to see.

"Kulta, I -"

"Please, don't call me that."

He looked alarmed at me, with an interrogation in his face.

"Ville, you're not leaving me any choice. You have decided for both of us."

"No, Eve... I just... I wanted you to know how fucked up I am beforehand. And maybe I can't fix myself."

"Could you ever possible think that I am, too? And maybe I like you the way you are?"

He blinked. "Nobody ever liked the real me. They always leave. I don't blame anyone, I'm the worst. And you deserve... The best."

I walked to him. He had a surprise look when I held his hands. "Let me tell you what I see in you. The Ville I know, is a gentle person, so gentle that makes my heart melts. He loves dark literature because he knows what pain is, but also he can see beauty in this darkness. He's intelligent, crazy and has a mad laugh that I love. He has the sweetest soul even though he has been shattered by life. I learned all this in only two days, because you're full of good things. Ville, you're far from being the worst."

He had that pained expression, with teary eyes. I covered my face with my hands, I couldn't stand anymore. I broke down in tears. I felt his hands pulling me to an embrace. He held me so tight, it made me cry harder.

"Kulta, I'm sorry... Please, don't cry. That's what I'm talking about. I'm hurting you."

"Yes, you are!" I pushed him away. "Because you call me kulta and then decide it all alone that we can't do this, and I didn't have a word. I'm not made of glass, nobody has to protect me from anything, if I decide something, I'm the only one who takes the risks. You're not perfect, neither am I. I'm not asking you to be. So if you want to leave, don't tell me it's for my own good. The decision is yours. Yours alone. You are the only one who's giving up, before it even starts. I would be by your side if you asked me to."

I was hurt and mad like hell, but I wasn't recognising myself. I was really angry, I would never react like this. In normal situations, maybe I would accept and move on. But I was, as much I didn't want to admit, very connected to him already.

"You're right. I'm sorry. But... I just didn't think you would ever want a guy so fucked up like me. To me it was so obvious. You deserve better."

"Why you're the one to judge what I deserve, Ville? Are you listening to all I am saying? I want to know you, every piece of you, the good, the bad, Ville. Then I'll decide. As you have to decide when you get to know me as well."

He sat and covered his face. He didn't look good, but I wanted to keep a distance. We were in a roller coaster of emotions, I had to try to think straight.

"What if it's too late?" He said almost like a mutter.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry, Eve. I'm a fucking coward. I'm afraid you'll leave if you see the real me. I'm fucking selfish. I'm just thinking about my own well being."

I didn't know what to say. He was afraid to suffer, I realized. That was understandable, he must have suffered so much in these past years, I could understand his fear.

I sat by his side. Be so close to him was killing me. "Ville, I truly understand your worries. I haven't been honest with you before, when you asked me if I knew why I had the anxiety attack."

He turned to me. "I... When I saw you up there, singing those lyrics and looking at me, I felt things that I swore were dead for me. That frightened me, so much, I really ran away from the crowd. I wanted to see you, but also wanted to get away. Because I knew if I start to feel something so strong, how much I would suffer if it... Ended. I didn't know what to do. I lost it completely, I really panicked. Like you've said, that night was goddamned intense."

"So here we are. Both afraid."

"We have to deal with our fears. I accept your way of dealing with it. But it's a shame. I would really love to put up a fight."

He got up fast. I thought he would leave, but he was in a conflict. Then he put a hand in his chest and made a strange noise.

He wasn't breathing properly. Fucking asthma. I got up quickly after him. "Ville, did you bring your medication?"

He nodded, pointing to his coat. I ran to it and searched in every pocket.

Nothing.