Razorblade Romance (Ville Valo Fanfic)

133. It's Worth All Wounds

We went back to Finland so I could see my doctor, Dr. Toivanen, and check if there was something wrong with me. She asked some exams, as usual, but other than that she asked me a lot of questions and said that it was probably stress. "I'm not stressed."

She lifted a brow. "Eve, I don't follow gossip news, but my daughter does and you're always on it. Actually I hear your name on the normal news frequently. I've heard about some troubling in Paris, then you were at the trial of that sick man, that gladly was convicted... You have a very adventurous life." I looked at Ville, who agreed. "You do have, kulta."

"We have." I emphasized on the "we".

"Are you eating well? You always had troubles with food. You're underweight."

"I'm always underweight."

"Then you'll have to get better on this. As you're travelling too much, I take that you're not eating properly. I'll prescribe some vitamins, but you need to take care. You appear to be healthy, but we will talk again when I have your results."

We thanked her, she also examined Charlie, who was healthy as a horse. I also took her to Dr. Virtanen's office to have her teeth checked.

Then I realized something horrible. I've never been here before with Charlie, after Marius' episode. Dr. Virtanen was playing with Charlie, showing her around and my heart started pounding strong on my chest, everything became too much.

"Sweetie, what is it?" I felt Ville's hand on my shoulder.

"I... I don't like coming here, it's strange to be here with Charlie."

"Oh, dear. I can take you outside."

"It's okay, I'll manage it. I just... Can you hold me, please?" I looked at Ville and he stared at my deeply worried, his brows arching together in pain. "Come here, kulta. You and Charlie are safe."

"I'll be better in a minute." Ville embraced me and I concentrated on my breathing, in his scent, his hands stroking my hair. I was learning to cope with my panic attacks, they didn't happen frequently anymore, and they were lighter. It wasn't  rational and something I could control, but I was creating a cheating device to myself. Sometimes it worked.

I felt Charlie stumbling on my legs, giggling. "Mommy, the doctor is calling you. She wants to see my teeth."

"Yes, dear. We have to." Ville held Charlie. "I can go inside while you wait here."

"It's fine."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded and followed Ville. He held my hand all the time, I took a deep breath when I entered her office. She changed it a bit, so it didn't look the same place. I think I stared at the floor, where Marius left me to die a bit longer than normal. "Love, are you okay?"

"Sorry, I am."

"Don't say you're sorry, it's okay. Just let me know if it becomes too much."

Charlie was on the chair already, looking at everything curious. Dr. Virtanen was explaining her everything and I smiled at Charlie's curiosity, she was just like her father.

To think she was here, almost 3 years ago, but in my belly and suffering so much, my eyes filled with tears. I was never so afraid in my life, I remember how she didn't move much after a while and I knew I was losing her. And here she was, alive and completely healthy. You've lost, Marius. You made our lives just a game, and you've lost.

Ville pulled me to him, kissing my forehead, but he didn't say anything. "So, I've heard you had quite a fell!"

"It's my fault." Charlie said a bit sad.