The Glory of Them [Bastille Fanfiction]

Whose Worse

Because I love you all here is update number 4 for the day. I love all your comments 😍 this is dedicated to all of you! Yay!

Nicole POV

I awoke to the aching pain I always felt when I needed to use. It never stopped it seemed. The sheets were cold around me and moving was nothing but painful. I lifted my head and there sat Janna. Glaring at me with her blue green hues. Slowly my memories trickled back of before I had gone to sleep. I was a mess. She had witnessed it, but yet if she hasn't been there I wouldn't have stuck the overdose worthy needle into my body. The fear of seeing your face again was enough to make me give into the possibility of death. I hadn't seen you in months. I could only imagine what you looked like and felt like Dan. I laid back down, looking over at the spot where the wolf hoodie always hung, yet it was missing, my heart began to race.

" You don't have anything to say? I put it in the wash." I wanted to whimper. My last connection to you severed just like that.

"What's there to say?"

"We can start with what you said.... You not wanting to leave." I propped myself up with a pillow and grabbed the pill bottle off the nightstand. She didn't stop me when I swallows three pills. It was enough to let me function.

"Williams told me that the people with the big money reassigned me... They found out about Dan and I... They caught us fooling around on a camera in the building apparently... So they were going to make Dan choose.... I chose for him."

" And the drugs?" I couldn't look her in the eyes. It was guilt and shame wrapped into a ball.

"I um... I wanted to forget.... Forget him." I couldn't say your name. Jesse and I had spoken about you just as he and I spoke about Devon. I would crack whenever I even uttered your name. Your were my greatest confession. "I met Jesse and we wanted the same thing... To be numb." I shrugged, blinking away the tears. "I really think it would be best if you go home Janna..." I forced myself to slowly get out of bed, the pills were kicking in now. The pain disappearing in my mind and the numbness sinking in slowly. "I shouldn't even be talking to you any more."

" Why not?"

" Because it will give him hope." I looked in her eyes and then out of the bedroom. There hanging on the railing was your hoodie. I took the chance to pick it up, the fabric still lingering with your colonge. It was relief that swept over me that she hasn't washed it's I held it against my face and squeezed my eyes shut.

"You're hanging on too." I opened my eyes and glanced behind me to her. She was right. I still wore the ring. I still clung to memories of you. I longed to hear you voice. To fell your breath on my neck. Your hands on my hips and your lips on mine.

"I'm hanging on because I'm scared of death... How is he?" I whispered it as I looked back towards the stairs and sat the hoodie on the railing before walking down.

"He's sick... He doesn't want to sing... His voice keeps giving out..." I stopped for a moment on the stairs before continuing. "He's skinnier and he isn't himself... He saw the photos of you and Jesse... I never seen him so broken." Dan... My Dan... Destroyed because of me. I made it to the sofa and sat down, now dying for a cigarette.

"Tell him I moved on."

"What?"

"Lie to him... Fake it... Tell him I'm with some else and I'm not worth waiting for anymore." I rushed to say the words because they hurt. They stung like bee stings to the chest. Then again it was true in a way. I wasn't worth waiting for anymore. I was a mess. A ticking time bomb with no regrets. "I'm dying anyways... I use enough to just stop my heart sooner or later." Smack. I should have known it was coming as she approached.

"I smacked him and I'll smack you! Bloody hell Nicole! Where are you right now?!" I rubbed my cheek. It was first thing I actually felt in a long time. To my surprise it was bleeding slightly. Her nail must have sliced my weak skin.

"I don't know. What do you want me to say!" I stood and grabbed her neck, I wasn't me. I was angry. Yet I pinned her, my heart racing. "That I fucking miss him?! That saying his name is so hard I haven't uttered it but a few times! I would still die for him just like would protect him. I'm doing this so he can focus on his dream... His career and you don't seem to get it! I don't matter! I'm a Clark! Fuck it!" I shoved her away, reaching for my cheek.

"His dream involves you before it even involved music!" She was holding her neck, wincing slightly. " You act like you care.... Maybe in your delusional mind you care... But if you really did then this wouldn't be happening. Don't... Come home... Don't fucking see him... Don't call him... Don't even think about him... Dan is too good of a guy to even have ever met you." It sunk in like a weight on my chest. She tossed a CD case at me as she walked towards the front door, not giving me a chance to rebuttal before the door slammed closed. I picked it up and read the case. Glory. This song would make life different. That was the last time I saw Janna for months. The next time would be different. A lot different. My sorry ass would be in a hospital. However it was for a reason I never wished. For something that would hurt more than anything I could imagine Dan. In fact that would be the first time I had seen you in nearly six months. That late November day was cold and snowy in London England. It was the day I finally said your name.