The Glory of Them [Bastille Fanfiction]

Punishment

Nicole POV

I glanced at the man beside me before silently grabbing my things off his dresser and placing a cigarette between my brims. I didn't know his name. Then again I asked him not to tell me. It was surely for the best. Eight months since I felt you even close to me. Eight months since I saw Clara. Two weeks since I talked to Kyle. Less than 24 hours since I played your message. I rushed down the street, taking the occasional drag of the cigarette till I made it to Steve's grave and sat on the bench. Like always I pulled my wedding ring from my purse and slipped it onto my finger. My hands were shaking from the cold, but this was the only place I felt okay to write.

I pulled my book out and took a deep breath, glancing at the blank page before writing. It was the last page of this book, I needed to buy another on my way home. I felt gross, but it didn't matter. It didn't change anything.

Nameless #103

I really don't know if you'll ever read these... I write them nonetheless is hopes it makes me feel better. He had these eyes that were blue as the sea, but his personality was dull like a saltine cracker. All he talked about was football. You know how much I hate that sport. His lips were like sandpaper, baked by the sun and skin tanned like those who stand under the durban sky. I should probably stop bashing the wanker, yet I don't know how else to convey that I feel nothing. That when his fist landed against my face it was a welcomed bliss in my sober state. It made being around someone so drunk tolerable. I feel as if... as if sleeping with all these men has only made me numb to missing the man who can't even utter my name. The man whose name I carry around like a mark of my sin. I'm too much of a coward to end it... maybe it's because I hope I'll see his blue eyes again. Feel his arms wrapped around me one more time.... Then there is Clara... I had a dream she didn't remember me. I think it was up there in my scariest moments. I've been sober for 8 months. I was hoping I would feel good about not drinking... then again I'm dying to feel that burning sensation in my throat.... the last time I drank was when I fucked kyle... He tells me I need to find you.... I mean Dan... Who am I kidding... I'm writing this totally for Dan... for you... I just feel that if I write your name instead of the term "You" it won't make me feel so guilty. Yet either way I carry a part of you with me. Part of your liver is keeping me alive... I wish it would give out on me.

"Hey, Nicole!" I closed my book and glanced around. Kyle. Surely one of the last people I wanted to see. Yet the only person that seemed to check if I was living. I shoved my book in my bag before standing and lighting another cigarette in hopes to warm my frozen body.

"Hey... Simmons. What brings you to this side of town." I mumbled,  yet I could barely look him in the eyes.

"Niks... christ...." He tilted my chin up, examining my face. "What the fuck happened?"

"Nothing... I'm fine."

"You don't look fine... you've lost a ton of bloody weight! You've got a black eye! Come on..."

"Does Janna know you're here?" I pulled away, nearly whispering.

"Yeah she's right over there in the coffee shop. She wants to see you..."

"I haven't seen her in eight months." I glanced to him before we started walking. "I assume she doesn't know about the baby?"

"No... I found no reason to tell her considering it barely survived two months... I think it's for the best yeah? It sucks you were stressed and it died but... You know what I mean."

"I completely agree." Yeah, Kyle got me pregnant. I was so stressed at the time that the baby died very early on and like he said, it really was for the best. It would have only made things worse. We walked towards the coffee shop and I stopped seeing Janna through the window. She looked the same, yet happier in a way. Then she saw me and I was greeted with that million dollar smile, I couldn't help but crack a grin. She ran out and engulfed me in a hug.

"O my gosh... Niks.... I missed you... What happened to you."

"I'm fine..." I squeezed her tighter and closed my eyes. It was like hugging a sister. " How are you?"

"I'm great... Come on let's head inside." I let her go and nodded. She didn't mention much about my eye, thankfully while they ordered coffee I was able to apply enough make up to hide it just like every other bruise. I sat down and took a deep breath, glancing at the couple as they sat down and the server brought over the mugs. "You and Dan need to make up."

"That's very blunt of you." I mumbled before laughing slightly. "I think he wants nothing to do with me considering the message he sent eight months ago."

"Nicole... He hasn't played music in eight months." She leaned forward and caught my line of sight.

" What?"

"The last time he played his piano... Last time he sung... Was the day he saw you. He doesn't even wanna do another album. He's just writing and writing." I sat back and sighed before rubbing my temples.

" Yeah and seeing me isn't going to fix it Janna... He told me not to see him... To even come near him... I haven't seen my fucking daughter in nearly a year." I shook my head and stood. " I'm sorry I gotta... I gotta go." I tossed a bit of money down on the table for the coffee and grabbed my bag. " It was nice seeing you." I walked out and rushed down the street. Only to realize my book was now gone and so were they.