BULLIED

Submission 503

Hi guys. It's me, Alison. The first story I posted was story 329. You could go back and read it maybe. I know it wasn't as bad as the other stories I have read but it really did affect me. So I know I can't use any names except for mine. I wanted to dedicate this to someone who I have a really strong love for. If you are reading this, know that I did it for you because I care about you and if I really mean this much to you, then I will open up. I know you want to know me better and this is the only way. But I'm not just doing it for you, this is for everyone who has suffered because of bullying and harassment. Well my watt pad user is lionking2lover101. After thirty times of trying to put a user name, that was the only one apparently no one else had. I love these movies because of what they teach you, what you can learn from it. I've watched it so many times, I know them all by memory. 'Remember who you are'....... I don't even know who I am. I feel like I am nothing. I... am nothing.

Where do I begin?.......

Let's start with social life.

I was always an outcast, outsider. I had bad friends in kinder garden. We were all young and immature, I understand that. In first grade, I was put into a gifted program. I was with very little people and I had pretty much one friend. I thought I could always trust her. And if you go back to read my story, you'd have a better idea of what I went through. Well now I'm going to middle school. Lets see...

I have a father. Not an alcoholic but does get drunk. How could he do something like that. He has three children, including me, and he's out there drinking when we need him at an age like this. My brothers are just 8 . He's always on that damn phone, and he doesn't pay attention to us. My mom.... she and I are always fighting. A little less now. I'm going to a therapist. She says she loves me but I just don't see it. And my attitude, always changing. I'm like a chameleon, always changing and walking around with my big @$$ eyes. And my mom, wondering why my behavior is always changing. And I'm just realizing this now. She doesn't see me suffering all the time, always getting upset with me because I'm always in my room. I always collapse on a corner of my room and cry.

Why does everyone hate me?

I feel like I have parents who don't love me. Did I do anything to make you hate me? And my family. They don't show that they love me. All I ever wanted was love. Why can't I have that?

Love is nothing but a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning. And my brothers. WHY?! All I do is look after them and love them but I guess I don't show it to them. Maybe its because they treat me like a piece of crap. They say things like:

'I wish you were never my sister'

'I wish you were never born'

'I hate you and I always will'

'You're the worst sister ever'

Is all that true? Am I really this horrible? What did I do wrong? I mean the people that are your siblings, they will love you like no one else. Because they are special but some just treat you like trash. And I think I lost something precious, love. And I can't even open up to friends. My friends. They hurt me badly. But I forgave them because everyone deserves a chance, right? They didn't know that I was feeling this way, that they were bullying me but I forgave them. I now know that there will always be mean people out there and you can't avoid it. I mean if you look at most the comments, you would see me posting things like 'you are precious and amazing' or 'I believe in you'. You see I have very little hope in my heart and I use that little hope for all of you because when I say things like that, I mean it. No one deserves to be bullied. I hate using that hope for me. It hurts me a lot and I don't want to be hurt again. I have permanent scars of hate in my life that won't heal. I'm like dirty laundry that have some nasty stains and there is no cleaning product strong enough to get rid of my stains. Stupid washing machine. I had such high hopes at the beginning but now I feel so broken and I can't find all my pieces. Sometimes I'm just way too hurt and I pack all the things I need and open the door of my room. But I don't run away because that won't do me any good. It would be worse out there. I just throw my things and cry. There are many times I would watch the saddest things because I feel like suffering. And I think to myself 'Is there someone out there afraid to lose me?'

I don't know. I just have so much pain in myself and I just can't get rid of it. I just don't belong. Why did I need to have a life?! Nobody cares about me.

Well there are these two boys that tells me he cares, that I'm amazing.

I love these two boys. My boyfriend, my best friend. I know you might be reading this, we met like what four days ago and I already love you.

And I love my boyfriend too. SO FREAKING MUCH.

I could love something with all my heart but what does it feel like to be loved. I just don't know. Why doesn't anyone show it? Am I just not worth it?

I hope you all stay strong. I hope none of you feel the way I do, hopeless and worthless. Just know I will always believe in you because I have that little hope left in me and its for all of you.

I still have even worse feelings inside that I can't explain but stay strong. I'll try.

So, best friend, I hope this tells you something about me because I know you want to know me better.

And boyfriend, I don't know if you will ever read this but now you know that I'm scared of life, love, you. I'm really sorry but I really do love you.

And everyone else, if you feel bad, I could try to help you, if you want. I really care about you all, even though I don't know you or could see you or hear you. Please don't cut or self harm because you are hurting me. Please I don't want to be hurt. I love you all deeply and I always will care about this world. Remember me, and I won't forget you.

I did cry writing all this but it feels great to let it out. There is more but I think this is fine for now. I hope things get better for all of you.

STAY STRONG.