BULLIED

Submission 730

I don't know anymore. I'm constantly thinking whether or not if I'm truly happy with myself. How the hell do you explain to your mom that you want to be a boy instead of the little girl she raised throughout the years? How the hell do you explain that? I feel sick to my stomach thinking my own mother won't accept me. I'm just scared of never being accepted just because they say God won't and never will be okay with me. Why must it be wrong? It shouldn't be. I wanted to say these words to my friends, but I know they don't care. When I try to, they seem uninterested and try to end the conversation. That sucks. It really does. Someone even told me they didn't care. That's great.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of not even having one, and I would just be dead. No one to remember me by. I tried talking to my friends, my family, but sometimes they all insist that I stay how I am. I'm not happy. Do I stay unhappy to be accepted, or do I finally do something for me and risk being shunned? I prefer the latter, so that's why once I have enough money. . . I'm leaving. . . Just far away to start a new life. Am I being a coward? I don't know anymore. I really don't feel like talking to anyone anymore, I just can't find my words to express how I feel to someone unless it was to myself. It feels good to express myself without interruptions when it's just me, and how my feelings spill out which differs when I talk to my friends. I'm just finding myself pushed more into isolation, and whenever I try to push it back, I'm brought down again. I feel like skipping school, as I feel too physically ill. I skipped meals, and slept in more often. I tried to do something I would've regretted, but I wasn't thinking at that time. While this was happening, I was going through other things at the time which involved people saying rude, false stories about me... And even my friend hurting me by doing something right in front of my face.

Recently, I came out as being pansexual, and someone dared to say "Can I call you fruity," and it irritated me. I was in no mood for jokes anymore. Then they said that God wasn't okay with me, and they attempted to put an arm around me. I was utterly disgusted. People played it off, making excuses as to say "Oh, that's just then so don't worry," what? I still felt uncomfortable and irritated. That's no excuse for acting the way they did... This is me just rambling now, and I complain too much, I guess... I'm not doing well in school, my mind never being in the right place. Too distracted by daydreams of situations that won't happen, and if this continues any longer... I'll fail, then my mom would call me a stupid kid with no future. Well, that's been going on for a while longer. I have a feeling something worse will come.

That should be enough. I mean, there's more to it but I just want to listen to music and call it a day... 

ADVICE: Sometimes writing is the best therapy you can ever give yourself. Raw feelings can be written down easily, and no fear of judgment.