BULLIED

Submission 1012

It all started the summer before seventh grade. Back then, I was still trying to figure out my gender identity and I was in a pretty dark place. I had been depressed since the fifth grade which was caused by the lack of friends and the fact that two girls who had been teasing me since kindergarten were in my class that year. I was on my own. No friends, only bitches who would stop at nothing to make my life a living hell.

But it wasn't them.

After we went into middle school, they were no longer a problem. However, my depression still loomed in the back of my mind and as the end of sixth grade descended into summer, I had begun to take the hatred of myself onto my own skin. I had been talking to old 'friend' about my depression and self-harm and, unexpectedly, she'd told me that she'd done the same. However, I didn't realize that she'd done it for a totally separate reason.

Through the summer, I attempted to contact her about it, trying to help myself through the dark thoughts but to no avail. At first my 'friend' had been kind about it, trying to talk me out of cutting and suicide but toward July, she turned. She'd become someone who would constantly put me down. She'd ask me why I'd do such STUPID things to myself and tell me that it was sickening her. Whenever something happened to her (whether she'd relapsed or had gotten a headache or something) it was always my fault because the fact that I was sharing my dark thoughts and actions with her (which I'd been previously told was acceptable) was physically sickening her and causing her to have these issues, which I believe is utter bullshit. I was told several times I was triggering her anger towards (which I also think is utter bullshit). She'd be extremely cruel toward me in my times of need and me, being an idiot as usual, would let her thinking I deserved. And the worst part of it was that I loved her; we were practically a couple without the label. We both thought we were soulmates and that we belonged together. But apparently that wasn't true.

Also during that summer I realized for the first time I really wanted to be a guy. Being born female was never something I'd liked. It meant more stereotypes I wouldn't fit, hating the way I looked, who I was, who I would become. So I'd started calling myself Ash (no longer my name, however) and she was okay with that. Again, I thought I could be myself around her which was proven to be a false figment of my imagination. She began to tell me to stop complaining about my dyspphoria (the feeling of not belonging in my own body) and during arguments and fights she'd call me by my birth name, which hurt more than any word she could send me via Tumblr fan mail. By the time I had realized I shouldn't be treated like this by someone who called themselves my 'friend', it was too late. I was cutting on a regular basis, encouraged by the words she spoke, and I was thinking that this was what I got for being a bad friend, a bad person, punishment.

But what's perplexing is that she never acted this way to anybody else and NEVER in public, only over text. One night, during a particularly bad fight, she claimed that I did nothing but feel fucking sorry for myself all the goddamn time. She told me to fucking APOLOGIZE for what I was doing, the way I was making her feel. This was over Twitter and Instagram, faster and more visible. She claimed to be in dire help because of MY depressing shit and I replied, 'And that shit would cause you to commit suicide? Sure, not the person feeling that stuff. Nah, they're fine.' She claimed to be in sooo much pain and need of help that I was causing her. She told me that she didn't need to apologize, that all she was doing was just telling the truth. And that's when I SNAPPED I broke it off. I told her that she was acting like she could do anything she wanted to me and that she was telling me that I needed to stop having my issues. I told her that she'd broken me down, that she'd been so cruel to me and she replied, 'it's almost like you don't deserve my apology.' Since then, I've stopped relying on her and now, every day, she ignores me like I  was the one harming her, causing her to feel low about herself, causing her to feel that suicide was almost always the only option to solve her pain. I don't think it's fair and four months later I still see what she wrote to me and sometimes it makes me think that she was right. Four months later I still cry myself to sleep because in the back of my mind I still think she was right and that I deserved it. Four months later I still can't let go.

ADVICE: I have learned from that experience that if someone is telling you that the way you're feeling is harming them, don't listen. Stand up for yourself. If you're hurting yourself or something similar, first of all, don't do it, second, if you tell your friend because you have no one to turn and they tell you it's hurting them more than it's been hurting you, stop talking to them IMMEDIATELY. Don't listen to them, they're wrong. But don't keep your feelings bottled up! That's worse. Turn to someone you know you can trust, someone you know will love you and comfort you no matter what. And don't feel like you're overreacting. However something someone says affects you is how it affects YOU. Don't compare other people's reactions to yours. You're YOU, you'll take things harder than others and that's OKAY. This might not be helpful advice for everybody, but I think at least one person can relate and now will know that how they're being treated ISN'T RIGHT.